The angels took a flying leap and died...

yes... so I'm a WW fraud. I went and weighed in this month after being really good for 13 days and having the flu the last 2 days! Total fraud. I weighed in just at the 152 mark but that was after being up all night Wednesday into Thursday puking and shitting all night... and then this week has been a whirlwind of chocolate and total crap that I just don't normally eat. I can't get enough of the stuff. So I'm almost giving up on those angels singing this summer.. I don't know what my issue is but getting down to that glorious 140 mark just seems to get further and further from my mind. And this weekend will be a total food fest... friends from Ohio coming in, bbq's 3 of them to be exact plus they want to check out a few things.. Monday we have nothing going on so if someone wants to pass me the flu on Monday that could work...

because they'll never follow it anyway...

The answer to one of womens most sought out question... WHY MEN DON'T TAKE/ASK FOR DIRECTION OR INSTRUCTIONS????... basically because it's a waste of their freakin time because even if you tell them specifically in detail exactly what to do, they aren't going to do it anyway.. hence the reason why your kids computer desk had about 14 extra pieces when the desk was finished and it worked up until the day your kid was laying under the desk and had a monitor come crashing down on their face and later that day after your husband survey's the scene scratches his neck and says "ohhh that's what that little bar and bolt were for" uhh huhhh.. yeah fuckers. So ladies.. as usual just suck it up, and do the effing job yourself because it ain't getting done the way you wanted it done no matter how simple the task or it's just not getting done PERIOD. fuckers.. I'm out.

Advice or not???

I just left this message on my brother in law Jeff's wedding website. I thought it was funny enough to share and something I may want to look back on someday and laugh at!!

yes, you too will soon find that as soon as the words leave your mouth that you are getting married in x amount of time, that every person is jumping at the chance to give you some advice. So the week of our wedding I had to go in for my practice updo and make-up and on the way home I stopped at Jewel. So here I am in this stupid button down shirt, raggy jean shorts, perfect make-up & hair and my veil. Great look, I was really trying to start a trend. So this little old woman in front of me starts oohing and ahhing all over me asking me all sorts of questions. With that comes the advice. She says "I've been married for 152 years (seriously she could have farted dust she was really old) and I have the best piece of marriage advice that nobody ever told me" and I'm thinking THIS IS GREAT I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR IT!! I was so excited I was leaning into her as if she had the winning lottery numbers for that night and she was going to whisper them to me. So she says "when he wants to go out with the boys, you know nudie bar nights, fishing trips, whatever they call them nowadays you tell him to GO RIGHT AHEAD! Stay out all weekend, do whatever you want and HAVE A GREAT TIME!" and I'm standing there in total bewilderment thinking "why is this the GREATEST advice someone could give me that has been married forever?? So of course I asked her "why" and she says "so you can clean the house without that horses @zz getting in your way all weekend!" I laughed so hard, the tears made huge smears all the way down my face and even made it on my shirt.... so there it is... the best advice from a little old woman at Jewel.. you heard it here folks. Ladies, I hope you are still breathing, I know you are all sitting at your desks laughing your butts off!

Joining the ranks of my cat, Miss Chopped Liver

so here it is... every holiday without fail Tim's family in some way or fashion has always dissed me... wheather it be on purpose, accident, whatever it always happens and I walk away from every holiday with VERY hurt feelings. It's come to the point that I don't bring my son around them because I've come the conclusion that they just plainly don't want to include him in certain activities. They tend to play cards and it's just boring for a child the ages of 2-13 which are all the ages that he's been since they have met him. Of course, why would Mother's Day be an exception to the rule here. This year, I walk in to find that Tim's grandmother had brought carnations for all the MOTHERS not including me.. uhh okay.. whatever.. then again without fail I was missed for the holiday phone call. Each time we get together there is usually at least one person missing from the group. This year it was both of Tim's parents who moved to Arizona last July and Tim's brother Dave. Dave never got a family call this year, which seemed strange.. but Tim's mom did call at one point. The phone was passed around and as usual I was skipped. When it was figured out after the hang up that I was skipped, I did recieve a slew of apologies but this was the first time anyone even realized I was skipped. 11 years together and THIS the first holiday that anyone realized I was skipped... yeah.. being imaginary really stinks... and here is the kicker.. I've decided since I do not bring my son to their holidays, from now on that for Mother's Day I will simply not go and do something special with my son for the day. Simple, makes sense, I should be with MY SON on that day... of course Tim asks "what should I tell my family" you know what.. tell them to call me and ask me why I'm not there.. I don't have my son so I can spend the day with them, foregoing my time with MY SON on most major holidays, so they can ignore me? yeah, not happening anymore 11 years is enough and I was a mother before I stepped into thier lives. And so the cycle continues and I'm thinking in a few years that Kimberly or possibly Jessica may be pregnant and by the following year she'll/they'll have a babe in tow and they will of course celebrate her Mother's Day with her and bestow Mother's Day wishes/gifts on her, and I will sit a Mother of over 15 years (I do consider Leif to be my first son because I do take responsiblity for him simply because I adore him) and be ignored..

On the bright side, I did recieve a nice typed letter from my son, a few cards from my mom, sister, nephews, and a huge bunch of beautiful roses from my nephews for helping my sister with them this year. So Mother's Day wasn't a total bust. I also did recieve a few Mother's Day voicemails/texts from family/friends which was really appreciated!!

GUILTY!

Juan Luna was found GUILTY on all 21 counts yesterday at 6:30pm Chicago time! For once in my life I was so glad I was wrong. I had been predicting for weeks that he was going to walk on account of all the eff ups by not only Palatine PD but The Museum of Science and Industry. I had talked to Cathy a few times about it and she was sure that he was going to get convicted and then sing like a canary.. and I'm hoping that exactly happens so for once and for all we can know who exactly was involved and why. Channel 5 news inadvertantly called Mike "Manny" last night.. his fathers name.. which has really ticked me off.. I mean the guy got the death sentence for going to work, can you at least prounounce Michael correctly? Give the dead people, the innocent people the respect they desearve.. and I can only imagine his dad's reaction.. hopefully he didn't hear it. I'm fearing that we may never hear what really went down, what was going through their minds, what really set them on the spree... how someone could be so cold as others begged for their lives.. will they hear their voices for the remainder of their lives echoing in their minds as they serve out their days in prison? Will the images haunt them? Will they feel guilty? Will their family feel guilty? How could you be the mother of a murder? Would you feel guilty for giving birth to that person? Would you feel you failed the world for not being a better parent for not seeing the signs that your child was going down the wrong path? and that brings me to more questions.. I was asking this to Cathy last night.. we have heard that 4 other people asked for the night off that fatal Friday night... did Rico and Mike usually have the night off? Did they take the place of those that should have died? Would the entire scene have gone down as it did? One of the people "Bam Bam" had a temper in high school and was pretty strong.. I'm wondering if he could have gone crazy on them and beat the crap out of them.. or would the scene have played out into the restaurant? into the streets or parking lot? would their be blood spatters on windows, on the seats in the restaurant? Would some of them made it out a live if he would have put up a fight and not begged for his life as I imagine Mike and Rico did?


and today I sit and am wearing my new butterfly t-shirt that read "I'm not IMPRESSED" and a co-worker of mine comes up to me and says "I lost 4.8lbs at my weigh in last night" and I'm JUMPING up and down, screaming, shreiking, high fiving excited.. I guess my shirt isn't 100% correct today.. I got on the scale myself and was back up to 156.2.. ughhh I can't win....

Mother's Day weekend.. ohhhh did I mention Katie is preggers! Go ERIC! lol! full weekend.. tonight going out for dinner for Mother's Day, tomorrow breakfast with Tim (it's a date), tomorrow night dinner with Katie, Eric, Chrissy, and Devin then later Sunday is Lily's birthday party followed by Mother's Day at Tim's aunts house. whew.. another weekend I'm excausted just talking about!

chopped liver....???

Okay, so along goes the saying "what am I chopped liver?" I blog about Blue and my friend/co-workers dogs being put down.. and here I sit day in and day out not ever blogging about Sidney.. the best cat I could ever ask for and many people don't even know I own a cat! I got her from my sister's friend Amy before Tim and I met. She has been with me though a ton of crap in my life and always knows just when to approach me to snuggle when I cry. Her fur has been soaked with my tears time and time again. She is approaching her 14th birthday and as she's getting older Tim and I are starting to notice just little things that show us she is entering her older senior years. She is definately slower when climbing the stairs, she misses the counter when she jumps, she hangs on the banister and now sometimes falls, she has become much thinner in just a few months... she doesn't yet seem to be in any pain but I can tell she is becoming just a bit slower day to day... for whatever reason I only take her to the vet clinic at Pet-co for her annual shots. I've never had any reason to have to take her to a vet, she's never been sick or hurt. I would love to know just how long she'll last because I know I'll never be able to replace the most perfect cat. The cat that makes cat haters love cats, the cat that never makes messes, always goes in her litter box, gives you more love than you could ever ask for, and never has demanded anything in return expect to love her back. I know cats can live into their 20's, however, watching her slow down makes me think it will be sooner rather than later, and it saddens me because I know I'll never have a female cat as perfect as she... she plays fetch, talks, jumps up on your shoulders when you get home, and has mommy is sad radar. Tim has already announced that we will not be getting anymore animals after the ones we have now die, but I know I'll be on a quest not long after Sidney passes.. and I know I'll never be able to replace her, but I know I'll try.

The last cookie feast

so long ago.. in the days before Weight Watchers there was this day.. a day unlike any others in my life. a day I thought of today only because I had blogged earlier about a friends move. and it brought me back to one of the days after we had moved all of our furniture and belongings out of our first home we owned. For a first home for a young couple (we were both 21 when we got married) the house we bought was freaking gigantic. It was a large American Four Square around 3,000 square feet. It boasted 3 stories on top of a finished basement with a bar, a huge front porch, a brick patio, a desk, and a sun porch, a bathroom the size of a bedroom and an old world charm. Having been built in the later 1800's in resembled my great grandma Rachel's and great grandpa Nick's home on their farm where they raised their 11 children in Riceville Iowa. My mother and grandmother both cried the first time they walked through her doors... the first time I walked through her doors I asked our realtor "are you sure this is in our price range?" and then refused to walk through the rest of the house because "this is it" I didn't even need to see the house.. It felt right.. all the little adjustments made over the years, the years of people living within those walls... the laughter that filled the rooms wall to wall year to year... it was so old I was sure there was a ghost living there although I never saw or felt one.. the house had been struck by lightening a few times and had also had a huge fire in it at another point in time. The reminder in the dining room where one corner of the wood floor sunk as you walked over it. The rest of the living room carpeted with only a perfect square cut out to show the beautiful gleaming wood floor.. ahh I loved those wood floors.. every bedroom had them.. the stair case the same dark wood stain... every door way and moulding... all the same... so this brings me to our last feast... like I had said, we had already moved everything out.. we stopped there just one last time to clean out the fridge, throw some stuff on the curb for the garbage men, and breathe in one last time in our first home together. We had almost a full gallon of milk and as I went through the pantry (that was the size of a bathroom I might add) I found a box of thin mint cookies... somehow I managed to scrimmage up a few glasses (I think some old solo cups from a party that was in the bar in the basement) and Tim and I sat on a folding chair and the edge of a desk looking out the side dining room window watching cars go by as we ate those cookies one by one... I remember that day as if it was yesterday, but alas it was over 4 years ago... February of 2003... the same type day for me was January 17, 1987 the day I moved from my childhood home in Palatine to Arlington Heights.. our new house.. the home that my parents had worked so hard for years to be able to buy.. my mom becoming a nurse and then stashing away each of her paychecks in FULL only to save more and more for this dream house she always wanted... We searched high and low for the dream house and somehow we always came back to the DOVER.. "we want the Dover" we would chant over and over to my dad.. and of course with 3 girls humming that in your ear day and night eventually he gave in. They did put $ down on another home in Lake Zurich an Essex. My tax guy now lives in the exact property that my parents had put $ down on, and he too built an Essex on that property.. the house would have never worked for our family. My grandmother needed to live on the first floor and the Dover offered 2 master bedrooms, 1 on the first floor and another on the 2nd floor.. my dad refused to stick me in a small bedroom on the 2nd floor so he opted to only put one full bath on the 2nd floor.. it always worked out okay for our family.. we had come from a house that was less than 1,000 sq feet 2 bedrooms, a living room, and a kitchen all visable from the front door. So coming into this huge house was fine for us, we didn't care.. there was still 3 toliets in the house.. always a way to at least pee! lol! So there I was that last day in my childhood home... the home I loved, the only home I knew.. and what I didn't know I'd miss the most would be the grass.. we had this HUGE yard with the thickest most lush grass I've ever seen.. in the summer it was always damp and cool and great to lay in under the huge trees, in the fall it was always covered by leaves, and any other time I just never paid attention to it until we moved to the new house and had crappy grass that just never really took no matter how hard my dad tried. I've always tried to really stop myself in lives little momments to take a breath.. and the day of our move one of our kitchen table chairs sat on the front porch so I sat in it.. and the guys continued moving furniture and boxes around me as I sat.. I looked across the street at "Grandpa Earls" house the old man that gave out candy daily to the kids in the neighborhood who came to visit him, and Jeff and Janet's house the young couple from California.. the husband a busy professional computer geek employed by Motorola.. but who had ever heard of them in 1987... Jeff Peelers house.. one of the painters on our block who owned this great red stingray that he offered my mom to buy for $5,000 which she now regrets not buying from him as it would have cost us another 50 cents a month on our new mortgage... Si & Dottie's house.. the older couple who had grown kids, and now grandchildren my age who had helped my parents when they were a young couple just starting out... The Corrado's.. a mine, yours, and ours family.. he a faithful Catholic with his children had remarried to a woman who had 2 children of her own and they had another child together.. The Walgren's house.. they had since moved out but it hadn't been long since my friend Linnea had lived there too.. I wanted to remember everything about that day, about that house, about that neighborhood.. I wanted to breath and stop life and for a few minutes.. I did..

sleepy Blue smell..

Yes.. it's something I'm totally addicted to.. the smell of Blue after he sleeps. It smells like Frito chips... weird huh? It's very intoxiating to me and I don't even know why because I hate Frito's! lol! But for whatever reason this morning I awoke with my baby right next to my chest facing me... and there he was just looking at me half asleep.. the air was cool and crisp outside of our little warm caccoon and I could tell behind the drapes that the sun was warm and bright. Another beautiful day beginning... so I just lay there as long as I could until almost 7:30 then I got us up and as I pick up my sleeping puppy he made some sort of a whine and of course I answered him with "Yeah I know, I'd rather stay in bed all day and sleep with you too" of course followed by a kiss on the top of his perfect little velvet head.

And so I adore him more every day with reminders in the background that each day is precious.. Amy (my co-worker & friend) had to put her beloved 12 year old beagle Holly to sleep on Monday... something that has been a long time coming since she was diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago. Amy made the right decision for the dog, she was old, tired, not eating, what she did eat she threw up, she was losing weight really fast, and the life was just sucked out of her.. it wasn't even her anymore. Amy looked at Holly and knew the time had come to make the descision and like any other time in Amy's life of course this too came within the days of a joyous event. Amy's daughters first birthday was April 24th and the party set for the 28th. Amy's husband talked with the vet and tried to find a way to make this the easiest way possible considering that family from out of town would be in and he didn't want Holly dying overshadowing every crevice of what should remembered as a joyous event. The vet agreed and they made the appointment for Monday following the party. Amy spent Sunday with Holly the entire day by her side. I can only imagine that she stroked her fur and cuddled her head in her hands and kissed her over and over. Amy tried to prepare herself the best she could for the event, however, when all has been said and done she states she wasn't prepared in the least... something coming for 2 years, however, there was no way to prepare her for the actual event.. calling the vet to discuss costs was completely morbid and the words could barley come out of her mouth over the phone. When she reached the vets office she had to stand in the waiting room holding Holly in a pink blanket. She said Holly was shaking, and the vets assistant held her as she died... she asked if it was over and it was... she left the vet holding the blanket in total shock.. not knowing what to believe.. and she went home to grieve..

Also our friends Amy & Ron had to put their 12 year old pekanise (sp?) Cody to sleep just the weekend prior. He was old, having accidents, blind, had problems with his legs, starting nipping at their 1 year old son.. it was time. They seemed to have moved on with their lives by the time I saw them on the following Saturday but then again they were really busy with their move...

And again this morning on the WW chat rooms one lady was speaking about how she took time off during the day yesterday to go with her mom and brother to go put her mothers 14 y.o. lab to sleep... again.. all old dogs.. all had wonderful lives with owners that loved and cared for them.. what a decision to have to make for them.

Of course that brings me to my question.. I've been thinking about this for some time as my co-worker Amy has had many run ins with the fatal decision to finally put this dog to sleep... every couple months she'd take a turn for the worse and she'd say "it's time" and "I can't do this anymore" but making the actual decision to walk into that vets office and to walk out after telling someone and paying someone to kill your pet.. it makes me wonder why is there not that option for humans? or why the option for pets has ever been discovered.. it's a horrible descision to have to make and I know especially on a day like today where I got to lay in bed for a few precious momments and just bask in my love for my puppy, that the day that I make that decision will be one of my worst days...

So here is to Holly, Cody, and my WW'ers moms lab... you were loved here on earth and your owners miss you....

Happier than a pig in shit

Yeah, so last night I'm laying in bed EXHAUSTED waiting to fall asleep and I realize that this is it.. I couldn't be any happier.. I've got my husband on my side his huge HEAVY arm resting on my gut making it hard to breathe, my 5lb chihuahua sleeping between my legs so I can't move them and they are already starting to tingle, and my cat laying on my chest head butting me and licking my face every so often PURRING LIKE A TRACTOR... yeah and that's how I'd want it to be... life is good...

All that after leaving work, going home to let my dog out, riding my bike to Julies, walking for about 50 minutes with Julie before she had to leave for her WW meeting, having Tim, Jim, Kim, and Adam meet me at Julie's to take an evening ride... get home around 8pm.. Tim threw the pork chops on the grill, I got busy making an amazing strawberry and kiwi fruit salad and steamed carrotts with dillweed and a half hour later we sat down to dinner... watched a little tv with Blue, cleaned up the kitchen, took the dog out, and up to bed where the aforementioned was the way in which I fell asleep.

again... LIFE IS GOOD... and where did that saying come from anyway??? Happier than a pig in shit? huh? I'll have to look that one up.

Tim & I also had a really great weekend. Friday night I went running and we wound up going out for a late dinner over at Wendy's then driving over to his new work site. In case you haven't heard Tim's work is moving DIRECTLY across the street from me which has sparked us talking about biking to work in the summer. Then Saturday we helped Ron and Amy move from Belevidere to McHenry, which I found where the bike path leads right next to their subdivision (the same one we take North to DQ in Crystal Lake) so of course that sparked a "let's ride up to Ron and Amy's house" talk... then we were going to go to Body Worlds.. of course they stopped selling the tickets on line.. so we wound up hitting up CiCi's around 8:30pm and watching a movie and falling asleep.. Sunday I was up early and ready to go go go.. but of course Tim was tired, wanted to hang out in front of the tv... but the sun was shining, the neighborhood was alive.. so I took the dog for a walk around the hood then got home and Tim and I hit up Ace Hardware... we finally bought a patio table!!!! YEAH WE CAN EAT OUTSIDE! Yippee!! We wound up riding up to Village Squire for dinner, ate out on their patio (yeah that makes sense) then rode home.. that was our entire weekend in a nutshell..

I'm exhausted just talking about the last 4 days in my life.. no wonder I could fall asleep right here right now sitting up at my desk.. ughh

I'm exhausted but happier than a pig in shit.. don't forget...

I blame it all on the Devil

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said,
"You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!"
and Woman said, "and as long as yo u're at it, add some sprinkles."
And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt
that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour
from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island
Dressing, buttery croutons and
garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their
belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you
heart healthy vegetables,
and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish
and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and
his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."
Satan then created choc o late cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes
so that His children might lose
those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with
a remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man
might consume fewer calories
and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's
and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created
quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.

as her wings open...

So here we are.. on the cusp of another beautiful weekend... a weekend that will hopefully mark the end of short cold days here in the midwest. Walking without layers of clothing, smelling the bbq's in the neighborhood, the bright blue sky, the clear crisp water, the grass perfect green strong and thick, the perfect white puffy clouds above, the sun beaming with a special brightness... a newness that only happens on those first days of spring where the world once again becomes alive... and this weekend special in it's own... Earth Day is Sunday, our neighborhood cleanup to commence... a bbq on Sunday to follow, the joy of happy faces, joking, laughing talking... Saturday the baptism of our newest life addition Irina (peace and love), followed by spending the rest of the day with family.. another perfect way to spend the beautiful weekend with family... catching up with one another, getting to know our new addition, playing with Reilly & Roman... and tonight Tim, Dylan, and I will celebrate Tim's brother's birthday at Emmetts.. a perfect way to start such a great weekend... I couldn't be any happier with a weekend like this planned to perfection.. and here she is mother nature opening her wings, spreading her wings, enveloping us in the creation sitting dormat all winter waiting to be renewed... she stands proud looking down at us, protecting us, carefully planning her next move.. her balance, her strength.. total awe on my part.

Happy 63rd Birthday Dad!

Well in tradition it seems I am going to continue and talk about my dad, on this his 63rd birthday.. btw, I missed the 12th being my parents 38th wedding anniversary... so here it is.. another birthday in April (I've got a ton of them in April, friends, family, etc you name it.. everybody was fucking in July/August the year before) so today I decided to call my dad and wish him a happy birthday. We celebrated his and Dylans birthday together because my greedy husband didn't want to share his birthday with anyone else because his whole life he had to share with his two brothers both ALSO born in April... so of course today my mom forgot my dad's birthday.. that's a big WHOOOOPS! anyway.. so as it turned out my dad spent yesterday with some old friends going to the city to see a friend who has been in a coma since March 31st. I guess he got in a car accident. Anyway.. I the guy had 20 chihuahua's and 2 guard dogs and of course my dad wanted one of the chihuahua's... of course they've already been turned over to a no kill shelter.. ughh not fun.. I'm trying to figure out which shelter they could have gone to, but petfinder is not showing any shelters in Chicago that have more than 1 chihuahua.. strange.. ahhh oh well.. I found one no kill shelter in the city and emailed them to see if maybe they are the shelter that recieved them.. so sad.. so we'll see..

So I 've come to the realization just in the past month or so that my dad has spoiled my sister and I... we grew up with a guy who could fix ANYTHING, got certain things done around the house, plus of course all his normal jobs like walking/taking care of the animals, garbage, yard work, etc. He's always working on some project or another and here my sister and I sit thinking that the guys we'll marry or be with will be somewhat the same.. wrong.. so there you have it.. my sister and I have the dad standard and there are no guys in this day and age that can stand up to that standard... those are some big shoes to fill! lol!

The Palatine Curse

so there it is.. there in writing.. I've come to the conclusion (years ago) that those of us growing up in Palatine are cursed... somehow someway there is a curse.. the worst things in life have happened to those of us who grew up there.. a quiet little town where nobody ever locks their doors has turned inside out and became a place of murder amongst other horrible things... I'm guessing that for me the start of the Brown's Chicken murder trials this week is bringing up all these memories and emotions... we started with the Browns Chicken murder those days surrounding that still haunt me... the wakes the funerals, the emotions.. the silence that followed those days... , then we had a guy who at 16 years old had a heart attack and fell off the shelf in the gym.. we could hear another gym teacher doing CPR over her little microphone... then we had Connie's murder... funny how her murder was exactly as her mother had described a possible murder in a house they lived in in Arlington Hts when she was first married to Connie's father... the ghosts still had a daily revisit that murder, the red stain at the foot of the stairs her mother tried over and over to get out and eventually gave up... her wake was surreal, her widow's peak wasn't in the middle as it always had been, but now off to one side... something I'll never forget. Nicole.. one of my greatest friends in jr high and h.s. one of the people who really helped me through some tough spots in my life.. I can still remember the way she laughed, her perfectly white straight teeth (even though she never had braces), the days she had so much eye make up on that little black sleeper creepers would be in the corners of her eyes, the way she would pass my locker and give me the evil stare on days that we were fighting... the day we sat in her kitchen writing poems together... and her daughter Jade.. born 1 month early very very tiny.. she was like a little doll.. but perfectly healthy.. I want to say she was under 5lbs the day I met her... she had the longest most perfect eyelashes.. and as she got older she'd come and give you kisses and hugs even if she didn't know you.. she loved life, and she loved to simply love... her casket so tiny, her body as if she just layed down to nap, her hair perfect, her eyelashes still long, thick, and curly.. Jade would have turned 9 this Sunday (April 15th, I always teased Nicole for giving birth on tax day).. and Nicole.. just didn't even look like herself.. it still isn't something that has fully registered.. there is no grave markers for them, it's not written in stone.. as if I still think the phone will ring and she'll ask me why I haven't called her in so long... and the stories don't end there.. Karl, killing his mother.. as he was shown on the news he had a similar appearance to my husband Tim.. weird how I only dated Karl for a very short time.. makes me wonder what would have been different in my life.. and now if you search for Karl.. the story is gone.. no traces of him anywhere.. I've googled and looked on the Illinois prison lists.. he's gone.. vanished.. does that mean he killed himself? does that mean he wound up in a mental institution? Along with those major ones that effected me personally are many other stories.. really sad stories filled with tragic scenarios most of which were situations out of control of the person they happened to.. not anything they brought on.. some genetics/health related.. some being in the wrong place at the wrong time.. so here we stand always waiting for that ball to drop, good days always lined in the thought that bad news will be there waiting tomorrow...

WHAT THE FUCK?

Okay.. it's APRIL 11TH and it's SNOWING.. the Cubs game today will probably be cancelled.. it's really cold out probably in the lower 30's but it feels like the lower 20's... and the snow is slushy/wet nasty.. it was hailing on the way to work..

not a PEEP!

so there it is.. I've written it down HERE and it's documented... I went an ENTIRE Easter season with not one PEEP touching my lips... I had one piece of Easter candy, it was a piece of chocolate I bought for the candy dishes in our house... I also discovered this weekend that my favorite Jewel cake.. I don't like anymore.. not really at all.. it doesn't do anything for my mouth... I couldn't wait to get back to work and back to my normal routine of fruit, veggies, and lean meat.. it's ALL good!

Let's get ready to..... STUMBLE!!

So for Tim's birthday party today.. he comes out in this t-shirt that reads "let's get ready to stumble" PERFECT!! so I ask him where he got the shirt. he says I bought it for him... hmm I did? it has a shamrock on it so I say.. "oh yeah I got it for you for St Patricks day" then my mom shows up and says "hey that's the shirt I got Tim" ha! so that's where the shirt came from! lol! The party was great there was a bunch of people there, some people didn't make it.. we had a ton of food, plenty of beer/pop/wine coolers, and great friends... it was really a relaxing time.. ughh cleaning before and after sucks my ass.. but what can I say.. I'm pretty sure Tim had a good time because around 1 am I noticed he was missing and I ran upstairs to check on him.. passed out in his t-shirt and matching boxers... the boxers I bought him for St Patricks day are different green/white checked! Sooo totally cute.. oh his cake was a hit! if your lucky I'll post a pic of it next blog!

Happy 30th Birthday Timmy....

so here it is.. Tim's 30th birthday.. the day I've been planning a surprise party for for over a year... yeah, and as the date came closer it became apparent it was going to be impossible to have a surprise party for him.. especially after the train wreck my "surprise" party became... the residue that *still* rings around my "30th birthday" will not be something I'll forget for years to come... and so on Tim's birthday I'll recount the day he was born JUST KIDDING! Thank god I *wasn't* there!! but instead, I'll recount the day I realized he was on earth.. the day we met.... my favorite question to ask couples "how did you meet?" so here it is... I was living with this @zzhole Chris who was mentally/emotionally abusive, had short man syndrome, and was super controlling.. wow.. it sounds like I'm describing Tom Cruise! lol! anyway.. I was working at Market Facts and I had this secret friend Ed. He was the one person who *really* knew what was going on my life and I talked to every time we worked together. He was secret because it was one friendship I didn't want Chris to destroy! So one night the security guard down stairs calls up to our department and tells our supervisor that some people were downstairs to see Ed. So Ed tells our supervisors he's not going down there because he was on the phone with his girlfriend and could only talk to her for a few more minutes before she had to get off the phone and do homework. So I told him that I was just about to go downstairs to buy a pop anyway and I'd let his friends know... (okay.. I'm not a pop drinker, never have been really.. so THIS day why I was going to buy a pop is still a huge mystery to me) so I walked down the stairs in my favorite skin tight size 6 jeans, with my red t-shirt and old flannel.. as I walked down the stairs I was looking at this group of guys all watching me come down the stairs.. but it was Tim, the tallest standing in the back, with the brightest most intense blue eyes watching me descend that caught my attention.. and even though he did little or no talking and I talked to his friends (whom to this day I have no clue who was even with him) I could feel his eyes almost burning into me.. it was sorta strange... and of course they wouldn't leave with me just telling them that Ed wasn't coming down.. they handed me a piece of Phil's mustang (the whole reason they came there to tell Ed that Phil hit the park) and sent me back upstairs to tell Ed to come downstairs... of course I gave him the piece of mustang and he still didn't go downstairs.. so once I again I ran down and told them that he was being dork and wouldn't come down and he said he'd call them later.. after that Ed told me every day Tim would ask about me.. if I was at work, if I was okay, what was going on in my life.. Tim was dating another girl at the time and so was I... I remember one day I was in Sandy's office (our manager in our dept) and Ed and I were on speaker phone with Tim and they were talking about going up to Corey's cabin in WI for the weekend.. and I said "ughhh I sooo *wish* I could go" and Tim of course said I could go if I wanted to go and I said "yeah but where am I gonna sleep" and he said I could sleep with him! wow... after that I got his # and we started talking on the phone here and there secretly and one day he asked me "do I have a snowballs chance in hell in ever dating you" and from there.. those words stuck... Tim was all I thought about no matter what was going on around me... one day we were on the phone, I was at the apartment waiting for my sister to show up with Leif so she could go to boxing and I could hang out with him.. as my sister walked through the door I was just saying to Tim "if I had any balls at all I'd pack my shit and leave while Chris is at work" and my sister went into action just packing my shit.. I started laughing and told Tim and he said "I've got 3 trucks and 5 guys here, want us to come over?" 30 minutes later he was at the apartment with a puppy (I never found out where that puppy went either) and we started moving everything out.. it didn't take long.. we got everything back to my parents house and he drove me to work.. I never looked back... we've been together since...

So tonight Timmy on your 30th birthday, we'll go out and have a nice dinner just the two of us and then party our asses off tomorrow with all our friends!!!

HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY BABY!!

GOD threw me a bone...

So yeah.. I think God threw me a bone just to shut my ass up about the whole "ma'm" bit.. but ya know.. this one offended me, so now I'm just mad at society for having guideline ideas about how people should look.. so here's the story.. I took the day off from work yesterday so I could spend a day with my son while he is on Spring Break.. and as you all know he turned 13 on Monday the same day I turned 30 1/2.. yes.. Dylan was born on my half birthday! lol! anyway.. so the whole reason I took off was so I could take him bowling for $1 per game at the alley around the corner from my house. So I told him I had a ton of stuff to do for the party I wanted to get done on my day off, the biggest project grocery shopping.. so he said that he wanted to go to Woodmans at 5am and get it done with so we could bowl all day! lol! yeah right.. so he didn't wake up until 11:30am which I had already taken a shower, cleaned up the computer room, taken the dog out a few times, etc. He only woke up when his dad and grandma started calling his cell phone ever 2 minutes and then he woke up with a fire under his ass ready to go! So off we went.. first to Wal-Mart to get plates and stuff.. we are almost done and he announces he wants to go buy an air soft gun with his own $$.. okay fine.. so we walk back to the camping/fishing section and I get my sterno for the party and he looks at guns.. He wanted to pay back there so this gentleman who was a dead ringer for Don Sutherland has to ask if either of us is 18.. and at first I think he's joking.. then I realize he's not.. he asked if I was his sister or cousin! OMG.. no I'm his mother.. so I laugh, he was nice about it, and totally innocent about it.. anyway.. so we leave go to Woodmans.. we load up 1 cart of beer, wine coolers, etc.. go up to pay.. the cashier starts lecturing me on bringing a minor who is "not my son" into a liquor store! Okay.. I totally missed what you said "what??" again she said "because really he's not YOUR son you can not legally bring him into a liquor store" okay... again I'm totally lost and really confused.. "HE IS MY SON, HE TURNED 13 ON MONDAY THE SAME DAY I TURNED 30 1/2" and she gives me a look like YEAH RIGHT.. so I kept going "wanna see my stretch marks to PROVE it?? I was 17 when I had him, do the math" then all of a sudden she's apologetic (after she got a good chance to look at my drivers license) and OMG you look so young and all that. Yeah, whatever biatch.. just stop jumping to conclusions before you start lecturing people in the store.. asswipe!

So yeah.. God threw me a bone but I only got to enjoy it or be frusterated by it by oh.. 4.5 seconds because once outside of Woodmans.. IT WAS SNOWING! oh yeah.. It's April and SNOWING! We both had only worn sweatshirts so we kept racing around everywhere.. it was not fun! f'in mother nature... again I'll say it.. she's no CHRIS ROCK! sorry this isn't FUNNY! we need SPRING, WARM WEATHER, AND THE F'IN SUN BACK!

So there it is...... God thinks he's a f'in comedian now too!

Happy 13th Birthday Dylan!

So here it is.. a day I seriously can not believe is upon us.. Dylan is 13.... wow.. I can not believe my little guy is 13, 13.. geez I just can't get it through my head... and in a month and half exactly Leif will be eligible for a drivers permit, and another month after that Sam will be 9... and we'll be on to the even grades... Sam 4th, Dylan 8th, and Leif 10th.. ughh I just can not get my brain around it all... so today I'll take the time to recount the day he was born... Friday, April 1st 1994, APRIL FOOLS DAY (but of course) and better yet Good Friday... I took the day off from work to go pick Leif up from his babysitter Melissa's house because we suspected that she was in some way ignoring him during the day and we wanted to catch her. The night before I attended my first Lamaze class and the day before was to be my last day at work, however, they hadn't found anyone to replace me yet so they asked me to come in the following week to work and maybe train the new girl. So it was any day like any other, I was painting my nails, took a shower, etc. Dan came home for lunch just because I was home and not at work. He walked in and made some comment like "I just thought I'd come home" so I said "let me pee and I'll come down and make you something to eat" so I walk in the bathroom sit down and start to pee... but the pee isn't stopping.. so I sorta stand up and look in the toilet and it's RED... so I think OMG IT'S MY MUCAS PLUG! lol! if I only knew.. so I yelled to Dan to come call the doctor, he came upstairs looked in the toilet and knew something was wrong.. he said it was too red. I sat down again and the blood was just pouring out of me. I had thought I was peeing and it was all blood. My mom just happened to be running errands and wasn't home, so Dan ran and called the doctor and the doctor said call 9-1-1 and get her to the er immediately.. If we had done that I wouldn't have been able to deliver at Condell with the dr I wanted. So I said no, let's just go to Condell.. so of course it's Good Friday about 12:30 in the afternoon and there is construction all the way up to the hospital.. and maybe 25 minute drive turns into an hour and half drive when everybody else is trying to get out of work and start their holiday weekend a bit early... so here I am stacked up on beach towels while Dan is arguing with traffic. We get to the ER they take me in.. and funny thing was the bleeding had stopped.. they took me upstairs and started running test after test. I told them I was having back labor, they hooked me up to the monitor and said that I wasn't.. whatever... f'in fools.. (later my mom looked at the strip and figured out that the back labor was registering just very faintly because it was in my back and the monitors only monitor the front) anyway.. so they start ultrasounds on me to see how big he was, they said he was 6lbs 8oz and told my mom they weren't sure what was going to happen, that they could lose the both of us in the process.. my placenta had detached from the uterus wall and I was hemorrhaging.. so I labored through the night with Dan and my sister by my side the whole way.. no drugs.. I kept getting up to puke and poop.. sitting on the toilet was the most comfortable I could get. They wanted me to walk, then the wanted me in bed.. and I kept looking at the clock hoping to make it to midnight so my son would not be born on April fools day.. I hit midnight then I was praying to make it to April 3rd because it was my grandfathers birthday and Easter and I felt it had meaning... but at one point I looked at the clock and decided that by morning it would be over and done with.. I was right.. around 6am the nurse came in to do some practice pushes.. she explained that most women don't know which muscles to use and get frustrated and just wind up using all their energy up early in hard labor. So she explained what to do, I did it and he crowned.. "oooohhhhh nooo" was all I hear from here.. her next words "umm I better go call the dr he's playing golf right now" umm what? okay.. you came in here to do practice pushes and he pops out and the dr isn't even on his way? WTF is that? so my sister and Dan helped me breathe through an HOUR of contractions.. yes an hour.. the dr finally walks in and says "umm do I have time to wash up and get in some scrubs" yeah.. I've been fucking breathing through an hour of contractions with him stuck in my birth canal and his head sticking out.. might as well jackass! So off he ran, he comes back in, 2 pushes later my baby is born.. 7:03 am. My sister followed him around the room calling out everything he did.. "he's PEEING" nice! the plumbing works! lol! After Dylan I delivered a blood clot the size of a large softball, the dr stitched me up and Dylan was whisked away to the nursery.. we didn't get to hold him only touch him his first day of life.. he was under a huge bubble.. he was in the NICU and I had to go down to see him. I was released exactly 25 hours after I gave birth.. Easter Sunday and I went home that day without my baby... really sad day...

anyway.. today is also my half birthday which makes me 30 and half.. not so good! ughhhh.. feeling a little down today.. we'll see how my day goes!

could this be the REAL me?

this is Dylan's birthday weekend.. so I knew there would be eating on the menu.. after much back and forth he decided on Gino's East. i figured I'd get a salad and be done with it.. of course upon getting there I find they had soup so I ordered a cup, then Tim ordered some garlic rolls, then we ordered just a pizza. Deep dish pepperoni of course. It was all good, but not O good.. ya know.. then we went to the mall to get Dylan's birthday gifts. I figured I'd let him pick them out because I had no clue what he'd want. So we're in the mall and I decide I want ice cream.. I head over to Baskin Robbins and order up 2 scoops of chocolate peanut butter... so I'm sitting in the mall scooping up the ice cream and I realize.. I'M NOT EVEN TASTING THE STUFF! What? take another bite.. NOTHING! Okay, I just spent almost $4 on this I'm gonna eat it.. so I ate around the big PB chunks and still nothing.. so whatever... this is very confusing to me that my tastes have changed that much that #1 I was mad I spent the $$, #2 I was mad I didn't even really taste it, #3 I had to tell Tim that from now on if I say I want ice cream to tell me that I don't even taste it anymore... very strange.. strange.. yes very strange....