a night to remember...

so there it is.. we planned, we emailed, we texted, we called each other, hours and hours of back and forth and finally here we all were face to face.. Tom, Lisa, Adam, Cathy, Matt P, Matt W, Maggie, Liz, Dennis, GOOCH, omg the memories just started coming out.. the dumb stories, etc.. it was really great to see everyone again.. we met at for dinner/drinks/whatever at Applebees and had such a great time! And again this weekend Tom and Cathy are both having parties so again we'll be face to face joking and laughing together. ahhh it's funny to finally figure out just how much you've missed people who have been absent from your life for so many years... amazing...

another Monday?

having a day off in the middle of the week blows donkey balls...

WARNING! STAY OFF THE SIDEWALKS

LMAO.. yupppers.. my dad rolled it out... yippee for me! the idiot won't drive the fucking thing he wanted for 45 years of his freakin life... more power to me! I getta drive it and he could care less! anyway.. it's a sweet sorrow considering the car only likes me and of course we're taking it down to our house in Arizona this October.. SIGH parting will be such sweet sorrow.. I can only start planning more time at our 2nd home with the car I love so much.. funny how that works.. well eventually I know we'll be in AZ full time.. only a matter of time.. yeah and Dylan can you hurry this high school thing up so I can move our asses down to AZ and you can go to ASU? But you can only live on McClintock and Broadway with all the strippers!

ahhh new/old song I'm bringing out that I love love love..
it's on my new song list I finally broke down and put on my myspace.. I've been using it on my freewebs accounts, but not here.. I liked a few other mp3 players that other people use on myspace but one actually shut down my myspace when I loaded it! ughhh
anyway.. check out Craig David 7 days.. sexay ass song!

Happy 9th Anniversary Timmy....

so here we are.. July 3, 2007 our 9th anniversary... and you've heard all about our 2 years of Sybaris extravaganzas but sorry.. this year.. it's pretty darn clean! lol! We're hitting Texas De Brazil for dinner YUMMMMOOOO then hitting the movie theater to see a movie! Gosh, I don't remember what we did last year for our anniversary! lol! oh well.. I guess we're at that boring part of our marriage where we don't buy each other anything.. we just go someplace yummy to eat and hang out just the two of us.. it's cool that the rest of the states are celebrating WITH us, the eve of July 4th usually is filled with fireworks, bbqs, etc.

Hit a Cubs game on Sunday! Yippee!! a 3 hour car/train ride into Wrigley for a 2 hour 8 minute game.. the shortest game of the season (so far)... to turn around and hit another 3 hour train/car ride home.. not fun... Leif had an allergic reaction to some sunblock I gave him that had aloe vera in it.. he had a sun burn and that was all I had.. a trip to nurse/infirmery whatever you wanna call it.. and a $20 trip to 7-11 to not be able to gain re-entrance to Wrigley to even pee LATER we got back on the train and started our trip home.. by the time we stopped to eat and got home it was 8pm! We left at 10:30 in the morning.... OHHH and the Cubbies won!

What else? Tim's brother moved into his condo he closed on last week on Saturday.. he's almost totally moved in.. and then another couple months and Kimberly will be moving in..

Julie had her annual bbq over the weekend as well.. what a blast.. great party, great people, great food, great booze.. you name it it was there! Slip and Slide extrodinare.. of course Dylan was really sore the next day after taking about a billon turns hitting the dirt!

So tomorrow we really have nothing going on.. just going to my parents to eat and hang out.. so that's fine.. nice relaxing not much to do day off.. in the middle of the week.. that sucks.. thank god for leap year.. I think it's 2008 so next year Friday we'll have off for July 4th.. YIPPEE!

watching him independent

so here it is... my nephew Sam's birthday party last week Wednesday... he has it with 20 other kids from school, my son, of course his brother and a few of his brothers friends, my cousin Heather & her three kids, my aunt Kathie and her two step grandchildren Harley & Nova, my parents, my husband & I, Mike (Sam's dad) and partridge in a pear tree.. so 9 year olds right... okay they are so obnoxious.. I seriously do not remember being so obnoxiously loud that I rendered my aunt deaf and sent her and her 4 month old daughter while attached to the tit running for quieter corners of Laser Extreme. Seriously.. but in the midst of it all I got another chance to stop time again only for a brief moment. I entered the "briefing" room where there is glass that you can watch as the kids play their game. They were in the midst of their final game before going home, it was big kids against little kids.. so basically 20 9 year olds against Mike, Tim, Leif, Dylan, AJ, Jason, umm yeah that's it.. and of course they were creaming the fuck out of the 9 year olds.. they were on the side where there were way more places to hide and guard your body and of course they were bigger, older, and have better aim.. the game is at like 600 to 240 and I'm watching as Leif is standing 6 foot 1 inch able to look over the tall walls that surround him... and it brought me back to the day he was born.. I'm standing in the hallway outside the Labor and Delivery ward the leads to the nursery and the nurse comes out carrying Leif.. my very first glimpse of him.. I can remember it as if it just happend 5 minutes ago, I can still smell the hospital, the smell of his fresh little head, the look of his yellow/orange/brown jaundice skin, the way he looked wrapped tightly in a blanket, the sound of the nurses voice as she softly said "okay, just for a few seconds" as she looked at my pleading eyes to allow me to meet Leif for the first time... his little fingers immediately curled around my finger and he even managed to open his eyes for just a second to reveal my eyes starring back at me... it was like we knew. I watched as the nurse swept past me just a second later, clicking the code to get into the nursey letting the door shut behind her with a click.. over to the window to keep watch on him they flipped him around like a chicken measuring him head to toe, washing him, rewrapping him and from there.. I have no recollection of anything else happening after that on that day. Just that blip in time that I stopped long enough to smell the roses and really etch everything into my memory.. something I'll never forget. And so goes the cycle of life.. unfortunately.. he is now 15, tall and very slender, his hair perfectly in style, he's got all the gadgets a 15 year old could ever want.. every game, every luxary, yup he's spoiled and I miss the days when I was his hero when he called me Sissy and ran for me.. his big blue eyes framed by beautiful thick eyelashes.. ahhhh yes, I'm pretty damn lucky.

the end of the rainbow

soooo after removing the evil IUD I decided that gaining 26lbs in 2 months and not being able to ever get my weight back down, I better try to jump start my body into detoxing. I recieved a gift certificate for my 30th birthday from a neighbor I helped out when she got her puppy Nala... anyway.. So the gift cert was a good enough chunk of change for me to go to this spa and get two different services.. I chose a 60 minute massage and a herbal body wrap. I was hoping that between the two it might help my body realize it needs to get rid of all the "ickys" so to speak.. so I called the spa and asked about 40 zillion questions and the girl was more than willing to set up the services to help me figure out the best attack for my buck! Anyway.. so it was all set up, time set, etc.. then I find out yesterday morning it wasn't at the location I thought. I had thought I was calling their spa that is close to my work.. of course not.. but as luck would have it, we were slow at work so I left 5 minutes early and got some directions that took me down back roads to avoid traffic.. and it worked like a charm! Got there with plenty of time to spare... anyway.. I walk in and they bring me to a locker room and gave me a locker with a key, a robe and showed me where to change and then showed me a room to come to when I was ready. The room was called the relaxation room and it was this room that was really dark, almost like a sauna warm with wood slatt walls, then there was this bench.. the bench was concrete and the room was octagon and it went all the way around the room.. the bench was shaped to the curves the body and it was HEATED! total heaven.. in the middle of the room was a glass table that was also a water fountain with rocks and candles.. first I filled out some basic paper work then into the massage.. I asked for Lavendar essential oil to be used and it was a great massage although I'm really used to my sports/deep tissue massages and after the massage lady told me that my ham strings are extremly tight and she didn't want to work on them long because she didn't feel I was letting go.. strange.. my other massage ladies like me because I'm normally like puddy for them! lol! anyway.. then back to the relaxation room with some water etc. Then the second lady came and got me for the body wrap.. OMG kill me... she first rubbed down my arms/legs a loofah kind of thing that were gloves, then she rubbed me down with more essential oil, then she had me stand up and put burning hot towels down on the table, then had me lay down, more hot towels over me, then wrapped me from underneath the table in basically foil. I looked like left overs.. then while I was sitting in that she gave me a scalp massage.. omg kill me.. then after that I went back to the locker room for a steam shower.. omg again kill me they had the shower head that was like the size of a small pizza on the ceiling.. and then another hand held shower head if you didn't want the over head on.. plus she gave me a huge basket of shower gels, shampoo, conditioner and a really big fluffy towel.. I was in heaven.. after the shower I went to the sink and they had a huge supply of every type of tolietry you could think of.. contact lense solution, deoderant, face wash, hand/body soap, lotion, hair dryers, brushes, combs, hair spray/gel, cotton balls, q tips, etc etc etc it was great.. I walked out to pay and got 25% off for having back to back services so my total was low enough to pay tips and everything on the card! it was great.. I walked outside and it had been raining HARD when I was getting my 2 services done and of course the sun was again shining so as I started walking to my car I realized there was the best biggest brightest rainbow I'd ever seen in my life.. talk about a scene out a movie.. how could life get any better than this?? I'll tell ya.. I went home and Tim had made pork chops, mixed veggies, and a great fruit salad.. it was a amazing and perfect end to my day...

and on with my life.. finally..

so here it is... not even 48 hours since I had the "thing" removed and I'm already bleeding.. OMG here we go again.. 7 month long periods with no end in sight.. not sooo good. I'm feeling extremely tired today, my joints and muscles were hurting a bit.. not sure if it's my body trying to function on it's own or what.. hmmm..

Well Dylan is on vacation with my sister. He went to Washington DC to see my cousin and her 3 kids.. sounds like they are having a blast. They drove there! Yuck! Not so much fun. I wouldn't want to do it!

Another freakin busy ass weekend is approaching.. I should just say another freaking busy ass month is here.. We're busy every weekend and even most nights of the week from now until July 15th!

funniest thing I've read in a long time

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied
1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
2.Poo on seat.
3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier. Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently. - Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence. "Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??" Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth.... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching. - Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth. As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has manged to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

date night

Well if you know me at all you know I'm part polish part Jewish and as my mother likes to tell friends and family, I can make Lincoln scream if I need too.. I make car sales men cringe as I walk in the door.. they know their deal won't be complete for hours.. My HP in hand calculating out every last penny and then I throw out even more at them even when they think they have me... the last time a $40,000 truck for $31,000... I'm upset that I didn't learn more technique (other than beating the crap out of my husband after he breaks ever cardinal rule in a car sales office) from my Uncle Bob who actually had the sales guys just begging him to leave with the car after hours and hours of back and forth... I think the guy offered them 10 cents on the dollar for a Cadillac one time.. seriously.. the man was a force to be reckoned with.. so here it is Monday night which is normally bike night for our neighbors, myself, and my husband.. Apparently all of our regulars were either busy or sick and couldn't come out tonight so it was just Tim & I. We made our way to Dundee (the short bike ride) in less than 30 minutes and decided to eat dinner at a bar called Diamond Jims. I've never been there but my boss raves about the food any chance she gets.. so we stop in the place is EMPTY! We go to the bar I order a water with lemon and Tim a Miller light (but what else) we grab some menus and head to a table to figure out what to get.. I talk Tim into a French Dip which I knew he'd love and I wind up with a cheeseburger over a salad.. not sure how that happened but the diet starts tomorrow! We got our food, ate really fast, went to DQ got some ice cream, and biked back.. it was an amazing night out.. so great for riding, even better for sharing it with just Tim. I love riding on our bike path.. you get miles away from the world and there are views that people didn't even know existed in their own town.. it's just amazing.. you don't see or hear cars for miles, sometimes you don't see people for miles.. the birds, the squirrels, deer, chipmunks all scamper over the path in front of you... it's just heaven. It really cooled down on our ride back, but that was fine.. our bellies full the cool breeze through the trees and along our bodies felt great... we got home and we're cleaning up around the house... Okay not the dream date that most anyone would expect.. but it's these kind of nights that I know that Tim and I are just right for each other. Any other night, maybe not! j/k!! ;)

Happy 3rd Birthday Blue!

So here we are.. the play on 3's this year.. Dylan 13, Tim 30, Dad 30.. not anymore are they the 3 amigo's.. Blue is now part of that making them the 4 amigo's.. but I guess they all have April birthday's and Blue is on the devil day 6/6.

Last night I lay awake long after I should have fallen asleep.. I was thinking of where Blue might have been born, what his mother might have been like, the horrible conditions, his mother turning him away from her so he wouldn't want to feed from her because she was so weak and hadn't eaten or had fresh water in weeks.. her paws dirty and bloody clinging to the bottom of a wire cage... the horrible place she had to give birth in every 6 months or so of her life.. living only to breed. The sounds of other dogs in pain and agony around her, the stench of feces and urine, and maybe a few dead animals laying around... the filth, the bugs, the disease. Each dog never knowing a kind human who loved and adored them.. and there lays my little guy all perfect and blue making the strangest little whine as he slept. Almost as he too was remembering his birth, his mother, the cages, the stench, the sounds of agony. I feel horrible that I myself have contributed to that, and honestly I didn't know when I paid for him. I felt confident that I had asked all the right questions and had found someone that wasn't a back yard breeder or worse yet in connection with a puppy mill.. but a few weeks later I was proven wrong with his AKC papers came in the mail and sure enough, the name of the woman I did my entire transaction with was no where to be seen anywhere on the forms. Instead "Watson" was the name I looked at... etched into my head that the name of my god parents, I would have never forgotten that name... and so I wonder just where he came from, if really the images in my head are true or if it was even worse than that... I can only imagine.. and I know now since the day I've had him, he was my fate. He was meant to be my dog, my baby, my companion.. everything I wanted (minus the "broker" status) and I have now learned a huge lesson in the world of animals and will never be a buyer at any pet store, on line, brokerage, etc. I will hunt for my next animal only through shelters or rescue firms because even though I love Blue and wouldn't trade him for the world, the lives of innocent animals will not be supported by me for them to live in such horrible conditions while their owners sit pretty in their homes driving nice cars, expensive clothes and jewelery, all the while living a lie to themselves and the world.. there is a special place in hell for those people...

Anyway... I'm here to celebrate Blue's 3rd birthday and today will be special.. he'll get some doggy ice cream (as he did on Monday night but it took him 20 minutes to eat half and got a super bad brain freeze and refused to eat anymore) and if it rains and I don't go biking maybe I'll take him the barkery for some treats. But regardless of how we spend the day together, tonight he'll be snug in my arms, warm, dry, and hopefully not having nightmares of his past that I worry so much about. Poor little babe. Happy 3rd Birthday baby boy Blue!

Idiot Sightings...

Idiot sightings:>>> IDIOT SIGHTING> Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told> us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor> on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one> Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said,> "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2> was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We> haven't used Sears repair since.> _____________________________________________> > IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor> call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the> Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by> cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing> anymore." From Kingman , KS> ______________________________________________________> > IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a> taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He> said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From> Kansas City !> ______________________________________________________> > IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an> airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your> knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I> know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."> Happened in Birmingham , Ala.> ______________________________________________________> > IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross> the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.> She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals> blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are> blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS> _______________________________________________________> IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She> was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully,> "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We> all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This> was a bunch at Texas Instruments.> > ________________________________________________________> IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back> into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her> system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no> less.> ________________________________________________________> IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership> to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to> the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the> driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively> tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced> to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that> side."> This was at the Ford dealership in Mobile, Alabama> ______________________________________________________________________> > STAY ALERT!> They walk among us, they REPRODUCE and they VOTE!!

Hard boiled eggs....

yes there it is.. butterfly's have become the one way I will continue to reprsent the fact that I carry my grandmother with me every day.. hence grabbing any t-shirt, pocketbook, pin, accessory that has butterflies strewn on them.. even if the butterfly itself is ugly.. it doesn't matter. It's what it represents for me. I hate needles but one day I do plan on getting a tattoo so there is not one day that I don't leave my memory of my grandmother behind. I always want a thought of her not a second away from me. As I type I look down at my hands and they remind me of my grandmother telling me all the time that when she was young she had the same hands as mine.. how beautiful they were, and how everyone always told her how beautiful they were. Mine were until a fight with an abusive ex-boyfriend and now my right hand pinkie is croocked.. so much for hand modeling.. but that makes me feel that one day I will live the life that she lived. She moved in with us when I was 10, shortly after we moved to our new house in Arlington Hts. My parents had an extra master suite built on the first floor so she could have her privacy and still live with us. As soon as she moved in, she had just retired, and she slowed down fast.. once walking to work, the grocery store, the local restaurants, to get her hair done, to go painting ceramics, now she sat in her chair and the kitchen table and so a ritual begun. Every day I got home from school.. some days a neighbor would come home with me to study or watch tv or read together.. whatever we did they always went home around 4:30ish and I went into the kitchen to see what Grandma had started for dinner. My grandmother was one of 11 brothers and sisters, raised on a farm in a small town in Iowa. The woman could cook any American meal that you could name off the top of your head and she could come up with the best recipes for anything.. even leftovers had their own things that one could make them into to renew their splendor.. I could never tell for sure if they tasted better as leftovers or not. Either way, most meals had their own homemade gravy and potatoes were a staple. My best memories are of hard boiled eggs... wheather we were making deviled eggs for a party, egg salad sandwiches, or just regular ol hard boiled eggs I was always facinated watching my grandmothers frail thin crippled hands work their way around a hard boiled egg.. she had the patience of a saint for each egg and they always came out perfect.. she had all these tricks on how to cool them, just where to strike them, and she always told the story of watching her mother just run them under water and the shells would just fall away practically on their own.. she never learned to do that. I on the other hand have no patience and mine look as though a dog tried to eat the egg before I cut it up for a salad or deviled eggs. Now here and again I'll be in my kitchen and I'll grab the salt out of the cabinet to salt the water for pasta or I'll grab a seasoning out of the cabinet and as I reach to do so it's almost as she is sitting behind me directing me on which spice to grab, or telling me to turn the heat up or down, or telling me it's time to start the vegetables so they'll be done at the same time as the meat. The hardest time for me is being in the kitchen on days when I made hard boiled eggs.. for whatever reason it's something that has become very personal to me sometimes I'll even only do it when I know I can be alone so I can think about taking my time to make sure that those shells come off perfectly and I really get mad at myself when I try to hurry and they turn out all peckled.. ahh so the next time you have my infamous 7 layer salad or deviled eggs or see Easter eggs at my home you'll know that I took my time, blood, sweat, and tears, making those perfect.

Feeling EMPOWERED!!

Welll.... I made a very important decision for myself finally.. something that has been puttering in the back of my mind. Something that has been always on the surface, that I have made comments about.. mostly just to a few girlfriends and of course to my husband.. but it's done.. I've made the appointment, I'm doing it.. and now that I've made the decision to do it, I just can't wait to get it done and move on with my life. It's been a battle over the past months, something I've struggled with almost daily... something that has actually changed me physically, changed the way I work, the way I look at my husband.. it's effect has been almost like a deadly silent essense choking me at any chance it got... it's something I carry inside me, every day, every momment.. something nobody else can see and I am the only one aware it even exists... I have seen it once through my body like a plus sign clear as day right there for him to see.. but this one is new, one that has not yet been seen because unlike last time I am not in the same place I was then.... and hopefully before I have this taken care of there will be no proof it even ever exsisted, except the extra weight I carry with me forward towards my goal...

This has made such an impact in my life just making the decision that I've felt better than ever since hanging up the phone with my doctors office after making the appointment. It's like a new breath of life, I have something to look forward to. I've had so much more energy with my new attitude.. I went running at the gym and for the first time in my life I ran so hard that I was glistening from sweat. It was so great to see.. something that made me feel more alive than ever.. and again this morning.. I was up earlier than I have been in weeks. Jumped in the shower and decided TODAY was the day and rode my bike to work. It was empowering getting to work a full 15 minutes early before anyone else. I really thought it would take a full hour to get to work and instead only 40 minutes. It was great hearing all my co-workers comments throughtout the day, really tickled over that I actually rode my bike to work. Some joked that I didn't have enough money to pay for gas, but ha I love my bike, I love biking, I love feeling alive out there... even though my freaking mp3 player crapped out only a mile from work.. I didn't mind.. I had the most beautiful views on the way to work today.. the air was cool and crisp, and the wind glided over me.. I felt the world anew today.. even the smell of dew on the grass didn't escape me.. so funny how just this decision has turned me in a complete 180....

WE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have...My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops and robbers, and used our fingers to simulate guns when the toy ones or my BB gun was not available.Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

That generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers. We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), the term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.We all took gym, not PE . . . and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.

I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option . . . even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot.

How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and stayed in detention after school and caught all sorts of negative attention for the next two weeks. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles.

What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations. I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah . . . and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) . . . and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember why Tonka trucks were made tough . . . it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents?Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amok.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

angry and blessed

I'm angry.. that's it.. I'm angry. I'm angry at life for being unfair. I'm angry that someone so close to me is dead and she isn't here to laugh with me about stupid bullshit in life. I'm angry it's been 7 years and I still haven't found the way to deal with her or her daughters death. I'm angry that I sit here day in and day out not bettering myself when she is not on earth wishing she could be here bettering herself. I'm angry she's not here just to tell me that. I'm angry that I haven't felt her in years. I'm angry that I miss her smile. I'm angry that I'm forgetting the sound of her laugh. I'm angry that I loved her straight white teeth and I can't see them anymore. I'm angry I ever wasted any time fighting with her over stupid bullshit. I'm angry that I have let him win and take more than just Nicole and Jade away from me. I'm angry at God for allowing all this to happen. I'm angry that I want to get her story out there and haven't. I'm angry that I love someone that I can't see or touch in this world. I'm angry that Nicole didn't look like herself in her casket and that it never registered to me that it was HER laying there dead. I'm angry that Jade looked like a doll in her casket, as if she just lay down to take a nap after a morning of hard 2 year old play. I'm angry I can't recieve anymore special "ti-ti sissy" hugs from Jade or gaze at her awesome thick curley eyelashes. I'm angry that I didn't feel it immediately, that I didn't know until DAYS later. I'm angry that she died in the manner that she'd asked about before. I'm angry that she loved the song that explained her death. I'm angry I didn't see the WARNING signs flashing bright at me. I'm angry that I don't know all the fact and never will. I'm angry that I have so little of her here with me. I'm angry whenever I miss their birthdays or the anniversary of their death. I'm angry that even though I've been proved time and time again to enjoy each day on earth and to live it the fullest, that I don't. I'm angry that time does not heal all wounds. I'm angry that I miss her because I shouldn't be missing her. I'm angry I can't call her. I'm angry I can't email her. I'm angry I can't text her or stalk her on myspace. I'm angry that there are never enough roses, balloons, cards, words, memories, that can compare to what I want to give Nicole and Jade. I'm angry...



I'm blessed to have known her. I'm blessed to have heard the sound of her breath and her laugh both things I loved. I'm blessed to have been able to see Jades eyelashes and Nicole's perfectly white straight teeth. I'm blessed to have had a friend that loved me for me. I'm blessed to have the sight of Jades butterly barretts in her hair on her 1st birthday etched in my memory.. they moved rythemically as she walked and bounced. I'm blessed that I know where she is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days per year. I'm blessed that I can look at her pictures. I'm blessed that I have many great memories of Nicole. I'm blessed that my tears pour for her because it means that I give a shit about anyone else other than myself. I'm blessed that I know where her killer is... in jail where he belongs. I'm blessed to be sharing her story now.

crazy @zz weekend

Memorial Day weekend always seems crazy busy.. wheather we go camping, bbqs, whatever.. it's always nuts.. so this Memorial Day a friend of mine I met on myspace through WW decided to come out! She stayed with her husband at a hotel right by my work. We met on Friday night for drinks over at Bennigans and just hung out, talked, got to know each other a bit. Then Saturday we drove to Rockford, hit a really great restaurant that was cheap, had good food, and great service, then we went to the Japanese Botanic gardens.. really cheap $6 and interesting. We drove back to Elgin, hit the casino, lost $40 in less than 8 minutes.. but Norm (Amanda's husband) was winning.. so we stayed walked around a bit, then drove over to Al Capones. Hung out there, ate a wonderful dinner, then headed to Woodfield. Walked around Woodfield, got some new jeans, went to the Bath and Body Works, went back upstairs went to Improv for our FREE show! Had a few drinks a ton of laughs drove them back to their hotel.. hit a bbq in our hood until almost 2 am. Went home smelling of fire pit, fell asleep, woke up at almost 10am.. got in the shower, drove and met some old friends from Palatine, went to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch, then to go see Mike Castro at the cemetary. After that back to the Castro's for a bbq, hung out with the Castro's and some other high school friends I hadn't seen/talked to in years. Got to catch up a bit. Drove back to the hood and hit Sarah/Brian's bbq for a bit. Got there really late and they were done eating, just hanging outside near the fire pit, talking, drinking, playing bagg0. Went home fell asleep woke up late on Monday.. did NOTHING blissfully on Monday then actually got out to bike around 5:45 and biked up to Crystal Lake ate dinner at Duke O'Brians. Really full fun weekend. I was really exhausted but had a really great weekend.

Wendy is taking the boys to DC on June 11th to go see Heather. That should be fun for her.. a ton of driving! Not fun! I wanted Leif to be driving by now! Leif is going to his first interview today! whoot!

The angels took a flying leap and died...

yes... so I'm a WW fraud. I went and weighed in this month after being really good for 13 days and having the flu the last 2 days! Total fraud. I weighed in just at the 152 mark but that was after being up all night Wednesday into Thursday puking and shitting all night... and then this week has been a whirlwind of chocolate and total crap that I just don't normally eat. I can't get enough of the stuff. So I'm almost giving up on those angels singing this summer.. I don't know what my issue is but getting down to that glorious 140 mark just seems to get further and further from my mind. And this weekend will be a total food fest... friends from Ohio coming in, bbq's 3 of them to be exact plus they want to check out a few things.. Monday we have nothing going on so if someone wants to pass me the flu on Monday that could work...

because they'll never follow it anyway...

The answer to one of womens most sought out question... WHY MEN DON'T TAKE/ASK FOR DIRECTION OR INSTRUCTIONS????... basically because it's a waste of their freakin time because even if you tell them specifically in detail exactly what to do, they aren't going to do it anyway.. hence the reason why your kids computer desk had about 14 extra pieces when the desk was finished and it worked up until the day your kid was laying under the desk and had a monitor come crashing down on their face and later that day after your husband survey's the scene scratches his neck and says "ohhh that's what that little bar and bolt were for" uhh huhhh.. yeah fuckers. So ladies.. as usual just suck it up, and do the effing job yourself because it ain't getting done the way you wanted it done no matter how simple the task or it's just not getting done PERIOD. fuckers.. I'm out.

Advice or not???

I just left this message on my brother in law Jeff's wedding website. I thought it was funny enough to share and something I may want to look back on someday and laugh at!!

yes, you too will soon find that as soon as the words leave your mouth that you are getting married in x amount of time, that every person is jumping at the chance to give you some advice. So the week of our wedding I had to go in for my practice updo and make-up and on the way home I stopped at Jewel. So here I am in this stupid button down shirt, raggy jean shorts, perfect make-up & hair and my veil. Great look, I was really trying to start a trend. So this little old woman in front of me starts oohing and ahhing all over me asking me all sorts of questions. With that comes the advice. She says "I've been married for 152 years (seriously she could have farted dust she was really old) and I have the best piece of marriage advice that nobody ever told me" and I'm thinking THIS IS GREAT I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR IT!! I was so excited I was leaning into her as if she had the winning lottery numbers for that night and she was going to whisper them to me. So she says "when he wants to go out with the boys, you know nudie bar nights, fishing trips, whatever they call them nowadays you tell him to GO RIGHT AHEAD! Stay out all weekend, do whatever you want and HAVE A GREAT TIME!" and I'm standing there in total bewilderment thinking "why is this the GREATEST advice someone could give me that has been married forever?? So of course I asked her "why" and she says "so you can clean the house without that horses @zz getting in your way all weekend!" I laughed so hard, the tears made huge smears all the way down my face and even made it on my shirt.... so there it is... the best advice from a little old woman at Jewel.. you heard it here folks. Ladies, I hope you are still breathing, I know you are all sitting at your desks laughing your butts off!

Joining the ranks of my cat, Miss Chopped Liver

so here it is... every holiday without fail Tim's family in some way or fashion has always dissed me... wheather it be on purpose, accident, whatever it always happens and I walk away from every holiday with VERY hurt feelings. It's come to the point that I don't bring my son around them because I've come the conclusion that they just plainly don't want to include him in certain activities. They tend to play cards and it's just boring for a child the ages of 2-13 which are all the ages that he's been since they have met him. Of course, why would Mother's Day be an exception to the rule here. This year, I walk in to find that Tim's grandmother had brought carnations for all the MOTHERS not including me.. uhh okay.. whatever.. then again without fail I was missed for the holiday phone call. Each time we get together there is usually at least one person missing from the group. This year it was both of Tim's parents who moved to Arizona last July and Tim's brother Dave. Dave never got a family call this year, which seemed strange.. but Tim's mom did call at one point. The phone was passed around and as usual I was skipped. When it was figured out after the hang up that I was skipped, I did recieve a slew of apologies but this was the first time anyone even realized I was skipped. 11 years together and THIS the first holiday that anyone realized I was skipped... yeah.. being imaginary really stinks... and here is the kicker.. I've decided since I do not bring my son to their holidays, from now on that for Mother's Day I will simply not go and do something special with my son for the day. Simple, makes sense, I should be with MY SON on that day... of course Tim asks "what should I tell my family" you know what.. tell them to call me and ask me why I'm not there.. I don't have my son so I can spend the day with them, foregoing my time with MY SON on most major holidays, so they can ignore me? yeah, not happening anymore 11 years is enough and I was a mother before I stepped into thier lives. And so the cycle continues and I'm thinking in a few years that Kimberly or possibly Jessica may be pregnant and by the following year she'll/they'll have a babe in tow and they will of course celebrate her Mother's Day with her and bestow Mother's Day wishes/gifts on her, and I will sit a Mother of over 15 years (I do consider Leif to be my first son because I do take responsiblity for him simply because I adore him) and be ignored..

On the bright side, I did recieve a nice typed letter from my son, a few cards from my mom, sister, nephews, and a huge bunch of beautiful roses from my nephews for helping my sister with them this year. So Mother's Day wasn't a total bust. I also did recieve a few Mother's Day voicemails/texts from family/friends which was really appreciated!!