Friday, May 27, 2011

where has time gone?

Wow... I sit here and read old posts about the "blocks of time" of my pregnancy where I wrote about just trying to get to this day or that day.. through this week or that month.. getting to the goal of birth and raising my boo boo baby and getting her into the world.. now this week I've sent out her birthday party invites.. in just one month from today we'll be celebrating her birthday at her party and 2 days later her actual birth... and people around me say "enjoy it, it goes SO fast" and I always have to remind them (or tell them) I have a 17 year old son.. nobody has to tell me how fast it goes..

It's funny because each day after Olivia's birth seemed like an eternity.. I would sit for hours on the couch in a depends diaper (not to pee in.. for the bleeding) allowing Olivia to nurse for as long as she wanted. I never interrupted her, rarely to get up and pee.. So many days I sat by myself with the remote, a tv tray strategically placed with the lap top, a snack, and a huge glass of water... some burp clothes and diapers/wipes usually on the floor at my feet.. I never had to go far for anything.. I wished so hard for her to get big and grow fast.. to roll over, sit up, crawl, walk.. and funny enough this topic game up at a playdate recently and one of the other mama's explained it perfectly.. she said "I think the first three months go very slow.. you are tired, you don't know what to expect, are learning something new.. then the 3rd month comes and you've reached the top of the hill and when you think you can't stand it any longer time starts FLYING" it. is. so true. for me anyway... now I look back and think that I was drinking those days in.. watching her face as she nursed, as she lay on the floor, screamed and cried during tummy time..

I'm dreading the day that I know the next I won't be breastfeeding any longer.. I'm praying that day won't come for at least another year or much longer if I'm lucky.. but just knowing we won't share that bonding time together is going to break me. Fully knowing this is my last chance baby... so far things have been going the way I'd want them to go.. minus a few minor snafu's..

Dylan continues to charge forward in life.. taking summer classes this year so he can graduate early and start his life.. he's looking forward to either college or the military. He wants both but is working on his decision which path he'll take first. He's dating a girl very seriously, her name is Stacey.. they are very supportive of one another and seem to be very much in love. They were really great friends for months before they started dating and really are a great match. Her family has welcomed Dylan with open arms, even putting him to work when he spends time in their home. I feel as though Dylan has found where he feels at home, finally.. this poor kid has been bounced around so much in life.. something Dan nor I wanted for him.. but his need to stay by his dad's side has been his one solid in life. He's always had an open invitation to live with Tim & I but has never taken us up on that. His amazing bond with this Dad is still strong, for that I'm grateful.

Sighhh and I look back and think about days with Dylan when he was still a baby.. a toddler, a child, a pre teen.. those days are flashes in my life.. thank god for pictures and the funny stories... the way Dan would swaddle him and place him in my armpit to sleep in the mornings before he left for work, those first few steps when we lived in Arizona.. his first birthday party, the day of his 2nd surgery, when he got a kitten, when he had stitches, taking him to amusement parks, having big birthday parties for him with friends from school, him with us at our old house.. at our new house.. riding in our cars.. hanging with Tim playing games.. vacations.. laughing about stupid stuff we both love.. our similarities.. how much he looks like me but has Dan's coloring.. all flashes in mind..

and sooo it goes...