Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I blame it all on the Devil

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said,
"You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!"
and Woman said, "and as long as yo u're at it, add some sprinkles."
And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt
that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour
from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island
Dressing, buttery croutons and
garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their
belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you
heart healthy vegetables,
and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish
and chicken-fried steak so big
it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and
his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,"
and said, "It is good."
Satan then created choc o late cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes
so that His children might lose
those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with
a remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin
and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fried them.
And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man
might consume fewer calories
and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's
and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created
quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.

Friday, April 20, 2007

as her wings open...

So here we are.. on the cusp of another beautiful weekend... a weekend that will hopefully mark the end of short cold days here in the midwest. Walking without layers of clothing, smelling the bbq's in the neighborhood, the bright blue sky, the clear crisp water, the grass perfect green strong and thick, the perfect white puffy clouds above, the sun beaming with a special brightness... a newness that only happens on those first days of spring where the world once again becomes alive... and this weekend special in it's own... Earth Day is Sunday, our neighborhood cleanup to commence... a bbq on Sunday to follow, the joy of happy faces, joking, laughing talking... Saturday the baptism of our newest life addition Irina (peace and love), followed by spending the rest of the day with family.. another perfect way to spend the beautiful weekend with family... catching up with one another, getting to know our new addition, playing with Reilly & Roman... and tonight Tim, Dylan, and I will celebrate Tim's brother's birthday at Emmetts.. a perfect way to start such a great weekend... I couldn't be any happier with a weekend like this planned to perfection.. and here she is mother nature opening her wings, spreading her wings, enveloping us in the creation sitting dormat all winter waiting to be renewed... she stands proud looking down at us, protecting us, carefully planning her next move.. her balance, her strength.. total awe on my part.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Happy 63rd Birthday Dad!

Well in tradition it seems I am going to continue and talk about my dad, on this his 63rd birthday.. btw, I missed the 12th being my parents 38th wedding anniversary... so here it is.. another birthday in April (I've got a ton of them in April, friends, family, etc you name it.. everybody was fucking in July/August the year before) so today I decided to call my dad and wish him a happy birthday. We celebrated his and Dylans birthday together because my greedy husband didn't want to share his birthday with anyone else because his whole life he had to share with his two brothers both ALSO born in April... so of course today my mom forgot my dad's birthday.. that's a big WHOOOOPS! anyway.. so as it turned out my dad spent yesterday with some old friends going to the city to see a friend who has been in a coma since March 31st. I guess he got in a car accident. Anyway.. I the guy had 20 chihuahua's and 2 guard dogs and of course my dad wanted one of the chihuahua's... of course they've already been turned over to a no kill shelter.. ughh not fun.. I'm trying to figure out which shelter they could have gone to, but petfinder is not showing any shelters in Chicago that have more than 1 chihuahua.. strange.. ahhh oh well.. I found one no kill shelter in the city and emailed them to see if maybe they are the shelter that recieved them.. so sad.. so we'll see..

So I 've come to the realization just in the past month or so that my dad has spoiled my sister and I... we grew up with a guy who could fix ANYTHING, got certain things done around the house, plus of course all his normal jobs like walking/taking care of the animals, garbage, yard work, etc. He's always working on some project or another and here my sister and I sit thinking that the guys we'll marry or be with will be somewhat the same.. wrong.. so there you have it.. my sister and I have the dad standard and there are no guys in this day and age that can stand up to that standard... those are some big shoes to fill! lol!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

The Palatine Curse

so there it is.. there in writing.. I've come to the conclusion (years ago) that those of us growing up in Palatine are cursed... somehow someway there is a curse.. the worst things in life have happened to those of us who grew up there.. a quiet little town where nobody ever locks their doors has turned inside out and became a place of murder amongst other horrible things... I'm guessing that for me the start of the Brown's Chicken murder trials this week is bringing up all these memories and emotions... we started with the Browns Chicken murder those days surrounding that still haunt me... the wakes the funerals, the emotions.. the silence that followed those days... , then we had a guy who at 16 years old had a heart attack and fell off the shelf in the gym.. we could hear another gym teacher doing CPR over her little microphone... then we had Connie's murder... funny how her murder was exactly as her mother had described a possible murder in a house they lived in in Arlington Hts when she was first married to Connie's father... the ghosts still had a daily revisit that murder, the red stain at the foot of the stairs her mother tried over and over to get out and eventually gave up... her wake was surreal, her widow's peak wasn't in the middle as it always had been, but now off to one side... something I'll never forget. Nicole.. one of my greatest friends in jr high and h.s. one of the people who really helped me through some tough spots in my life.. I can still remember the way she laughed, her perfectly white straight teeth (even though she never had braces), the days she had so much eye make up on that little black sleeper creepers would be in the corners of her eyes, the way she would pass my locker and give me the evil stare on days that we were fighting... the day we sat in her kitchen writing poems together... and her daughter Jade.. born 1 month early very very tiny.. she was like a little doll.. but perfectly healthy.. I want to say she was under 5lbs the day I met her... she had the longest most perfect eyelashes.. and as she got older she'd come and give you kisses and hugs even if she didn't know you.. she loved life, and she loved to simply love... her casket so tiny, her body as if she just layed down to nap, her hair perfect, her eyelashes still long, thick, and curly.. Jade would have turned 9 this Sunday (April 15th, I always teased Nicole for giving birth on tax day).. and Nicole.. just didn't even look like herself.. it still isn't something that has fully registered.. there is no grave markers for them, it's not written in stone.. as if I still think the phone will ring and she'll ask me why I haven't called her in so long... and the stories don't end there.. Karl, killing his mother.. as he was shown on the news he had a similar appearance to my husband Tim.. weird how I only dated Karl for a very short time.. makes me wonder what would have been different in my life.. and now if you search for Karl.. the story is gone.. no traces of him anywhere.. I've googled and looked on the Illinois prison lists.. he's gone.. vanished.. does that mean he killed himself? does that mean he wound up in a mental institution? Along with those major ones that effected me personally are many other stories.. really sad stories filled with tragic scenarios most of which were situations out of control of the person they happened to.. not anything they brought on.. some genetics/health related.. some being in the wrong place at the wrong time.. so here we stand always waiting for that ball to drop, good days always lined in the thought that bad news will be there waiting tomorrow...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007


Okay.. it's APRIL 11TH and it's SNOWING.. the Cubs game today will probably be cancelled.. it's really cold out probably in the lower 30's but it feels like the lower 20's... and the snow is slushy/wet nasty.. it was hailing on the way to work..

Monday, April 09, 2007

not a PEEP!

so there it is.. I've written it down HERE and it's documented... I went an ENTIRE Easter season with not one PEEP touching my lips... I had one piece of Easter candy, it was a piece of chocolate I bought for the candy dishes in our house... I also discovered this weekend that my favorite Jewel cake.. I don't like anymore.. not really at all.. it doesn't do anything for my mouth... I couldn't wait to get back to work and back to my normal routine of fruit, veggies, and lean meat.. it's ALL good!

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Let's get ready to..... STUMBLE!!

So for Tim's birthday party today.. he comes out in this t-shirt that reads "let's get ready to stumble" PERFECT!! so I ask him where he got the shirt. he says I bought it for him... hmm I did? it has a shamrock on it so I say.. "oh yeah I got it for you for St Patricks day" then my mom shows up and says "hey that's the shirt I got Tim" ha! so that's where the shirt came from! lol! The party was great there was a bunch of people there, some people didn't make it.. we had a ton of food, plenty of beer/pop/wine coolers, and great friends... it was really a relaxing time.. ughh cleaning before and after sucks my ass.. but what can I say.. I'm pretty sure Tim had a good time because around 1 am I noticed he was missing and I ran upstairs to check on him.. passed out in his t-shirt and matching boxers... the boxers I bought him for St Patricks day are different green/white checked! Sooo totally cute.. oh his cake was a hit! if your lucky I'll post a pic of it next blog!

Friday, April 06, 2007

Happy 30th Birthday Timmy....

so here it is.. Tim's 30th birthday.. the day I've been planning a surprise party for for over a year... yeah, and as the date came closer it became apparent it was going to be impossible to have a surprise party for him.. especially after the train wreck my "surprise" party became... the residue that *still* rings around my "30th birthday" will not be something I'll forget for years to come... and so on Tim's birthday I'll recount the day he was born JUST KIDDING! Thank god I *wasn't* there!! but instead, I'll recount the day I realized he was on earth.. the day we met.... my favorite question to ask couples "how did you meet?" so here it is... I was living with this @zzhole Chris who was mentally/emotionally abusive, had short man syndrome, and was super controlling.. wow.. it sounds like I'm describing Tom Cruise! lol! anyway.. I was working at Market Facts and I had this secret friend Ed. He was the one person who *really* knew what was going on my life and I talked to every time we worked together. He was secret because it was one friendship I didn't want Chris to destroy! So one night the security guard down stairs calls up to our department and tells our supervisor that some people were downstairs to see Ed. So Ed tells our supervisors he's not going down there because he was on the phone with his girlfriend and could only talk to her for a few more minutes before she had to get off the phone and do homework. So I told him that I was just about to go downstairs to buy a pop anyway and I'd let his friends know... (okay.. I'm not a pop drinker, never have been really.. so THIS day why I was going to buy a pop is still a huge mystery to me) so I walked down the stairs in my favorite skin tight size 6 jeans, with my red t-shirt and old flannel.. as I walked down the stairs I was looking at this group of guys all watching me come down the stairs.. but it was Tim, the tallest standing in the back, with the brightest most intense blue eyes watching me descend that caught my attention.. and even though he did little or no talking and I talked to his friends (whom to this day I have no clue who was even with him) I could feel his eyes almost burning into me.. it was sorta strange... and of course they wouldn't leave with me just telling them that Ed wasn't coming down.. they handed me a piece of Phil's mustang (the whole reason they came there to tell Ed that Phil hit the park) and sent me back upstairs to tell Ed to come downstairs... of course I gave him the piece of mustang and he still didn't go downstairs.. so once I again I ran down and told them that he was being dork and wouldn't come down and he said he'd call them later.. after that Ed told me every day Tim would ask about me.. if I was at work, if I was okay, what was going on in my life.. Tim was dating another girl at the time and so was I... I remember one day I was in Sandy's office (our manager in our dept) and Ed and I were on speaker phone with Tim and they were talking about going up to Corey's cabin in WI for the weekend.. and I said "ughhh I sooo *wish* I could go" and Tim of course said I could go if I wanted to go and I said "yeah but where am I gonna sleep" and he said I could sleep with him! wow... after that I got his # and we started talking on the phone here and there secretly and one day he asked me "do I have a snowballs chance in hell in ever dating you" and from there.. those words stuck... Tim was all I thought about no matter what was going on around me... one day we were on the phone, I was at the apartment waiting for my sister to show up with Leif so she could go to boxing and I could hang out with him.. as my sister walked through the door I was just saying to Tim "if I had any balls at all I'd pack my shit and leave while Chris is at work" and my sister went into action just packing my shit.. I started laughing and told Tim and he said "I've got 3 trucks and 5 guys here, want us to come over?" 30 minutes later he was at the apartment with a puppy (I never found out where that puppy went either) and we started moving everything out.. it didn't take long.. we got everything back to my parents house and he drove me to work.. I never looked back... we've been together since...

So tonight Timmy on your 30th birthday, we'll go out and have a nice dinner just the two of us and then party our asses off tomorrow with all our friends!!!


Thursday, April 05, 2007

GOD threw me a bone...

So yeah.. I think God threw me a bone just to shut my ass up about the whole "ma'm" bit.. but ya know.. this one offended me, so now I'm just mad at society for having guideline ideas about how people should look.. so here's the story.. I took the day off from work yesterday so I could spend a day with my son while he is on Spring Break.. and as you all know he turned 13 on Monday the same day I turned 30 1/2.. yes.. Dylan was born on my half birthday! lol! anyway.. so the whole reason I took off was so I could take him bowling for $1 per game at the alley around the corner from my house. So I told him I had a ton of stuff to do for the party I wanted to get done on my day off, the biggest project grocery shopping.. so he said that he wanted to go to Woodmans at 5am and get it done with so we could bowl all day! lol! yeah right.. so he didn't wake up until 11:30am which I had already taken a shower, cleaned up the computer room, taken the dog out a few times, etc. He only woke up when his dad and grandma started calling his cell phone ever 2 minutes and then he woke up with a fire under his ass ready to go! So off we went.. first to Wal-Mart to get plates and stuff.. we are almost done and he announces he wants to go buy an air soft gun with his own $$.. okay fine.. so we walk back to the camping/fishing section and I get my sterno for the party and he looks at guns.. He wanted to pay back there so this gentleman who was a dead ringer for Don Sutherland has to ask if either of us is 18.. and at first I think he's joking.. then I realize he's not.. he asked if I was his sister or cousin! OMG.. no I'm his mother.. so I laugh, he was nice about it, and totally innocent about it.. anyway.. so we leave go to Woodmans.. we load up 1 cart of beer, wine coolers, etc.. go up to pay.. the cashier starts lecturing me on bringing a minor who is "not my son" into a liquor store! Okay.. I totally missed what you said "what??" again she said "because really he's not YOUR son you can not legally bring him into a liquor store" okay... again I'm totally lost and really confused.. "HE IS MY SON, HE TURNED 13 ON MONDAY THE SAME DAY I TURNED 30 1/2" and she gives me a look like YEAH RIGHT.. so I kept going "wanna see my stretch marks to PROVE it?? I was 17 when I had him, do the math" then all of a sudden she's apologetic (after she got a good chance to look at my drivers license) and OMG you look so young and all that. Yeah, whatever biatch.. just stop jumping to conclusions before you start lecturing people in the store.. asswipe!

So yeah.. God threw me a bone but I only got to enjoy it or be frusterated by it by oh.. 4.5 seconds because once outside of Woodmans.. IT WAS SNOWING! oh yeah.. It's April and SNOWING! We both had only worn sweatshirts so we kept racing around everywhere.. it was not fun! f'in mother nature... again I'll say it.. she's no CHRIS ROCK! sorry this isn't FUNNY! we need SPRING, WARM WEATHER, AND THE F'IN SUN BACK!

So there it is...... God thinks he's a f'in comedian now too!

Monday, April 02, 2007

Happy 13th Birthday Dylan!

So here it is.. a day I seriously can not believe is upon us.. Dylan is 13.... wow.. I can not believe my little guy is 13, 13.. geez I just can't get it through my head... and in a month and half exactly Leif will be eligible for a drivers permit, and another month after that Sam will be 9... and we'll be on to the even grades... Sam 4th, Dylan 8th, and Leif 10th.. ughh I just can not get my brain around it all... so today I'll take the time to recount the day he was born... Friday, April 1st 1994, APRIL FOOLS DAY (but of course) and better yet Good Friday... I took the day off from work to go pick Leif up from his babysitter Melissa's house because we suspected that she was in some way ignoring him during the day and we wanted to catch her. The night before I attended my first Lamaze class and the day before was to be my last day at work, however, they hadn't found anyone to replace me yet so they asked me to come in the following week to work and maybe train the new girl. So it was any day like any other, I was painting my nails, took a shower, etc. Dan came home for lunch just because I was home and not at work. He walked in and made some comment like "I just thought I'd come home" so I said "let me pee and I'll come down and make you something to eat" so I walk in the bathroom sit down and start to pee... but the pee isn't stopping.. so I sorta stand up and look in the toilet and it's RED... so I think OMG IT'S MY MUCAS PLUG! lol! if I only knew.. so I yelled to Dan to come call the doctor, he came upstairs looked in the toilet and knew something was wrong.. he said it was too red. I sat down again and the blood was just pouring out of me. I had thought I was peeing and it was all blood. My mom just happened to be running errands and wasn't home, so Dan ran and called the doctor and the doctor said call 9-1-1 and get her to the er immediately.. If we had done that I wouldn't have been able to deliver at Condell with the dr I wanted. So I said no, let's just go to Condell.. so of course it's Good Friday about 12:30 in the afternoon and there is construction all the way up to the hospital.. and maybe 25 minute drive turns into an hour and half drive when everybody else is trying to get out of work and start their holiday weekend a bit early... so here I am stacked up on beach towels while Dan is arguing with traffic. We get to the ER they take me in.. and funny thing was the bleeding had stopped.. they took me upstairs and started running test after test. I told them I was having back labor, they hooked me up to the monitor and said that I wasn't.. whatever... f'in fools.. (later my mom looked at the strip and figured out that the back labor was registering just very faintly because it was in my back and the monitors only monitor the front) anyway.. so they start ultrasounds on me to see how big he was, they said he was 6lbs 8oz and told my mom they weren't sure what was going to happen, that they could lose the both of us in the process.. my placenta had detached from the uterus wall and I was hemorrhaging.. so I labored through the night with Dan and my sister by my side the whole way.. no drugs.. I kept getting up to puke and poop.. sitting on the toilet was the most comfortable I could get. They wanted me to walk, then the wanted me in bed.. and I kept looking at the clock hoping to make it to midnight so my son would not be born on April fools day.. I hit midnight then I was praying to make it to April 3rd because it was my grandfathers birthday and Easter and I felt it had meaning... but at one point I looked at the clock and decided that by morning it would be over and done with.. I was right.. around 6am the nurse came in to do some practice pushes.. she explained that most women don't know which muscles to use and get frustrated and just wind up using all their energy up early in hard labor. So she explained what to do, I did it and he crowned.. "oooohhhhh nooo" was all I hear from here.. her next words "umm I better go call the dr he's playing golf right now" umm what? okay.. you came in here to do practice pushes and he pops out and the dr isn't even on his way? WTF is that? so my sister and Dan helped me breathe through an HOUR of contractions.. yes an hour.. the dr finally walks in and says "umm do I have time to wash up and get in some scrubs" yeah.. I've been fucking breathing through an hour of contractions with him stuck in my birth canal and his head sticking out.. might as well jackass! So off he ran, he comes back in, 2 pushes later my baby is born.. 7:03 am. My sister followed him around the room calling out everything he did.. "he's PEEING" nice! the plumbing works! lol! After Dylan I delivered a blood clot the size of a large softball, the dr stitched me up and Dylan was whisked away to the nursery.. we didn't get to hold him only touch him his first day of life.. he was under a huge bubble.. he was in the NICU and I had to go down to see him. I was released exactly 25 hours after I gave birth.. Easter Sunday and I went home that day without my baby... really sad day...

anyway.. today is also my half birthday which makes me 30 and half.. not so good! ughhhh.. feeling a little down today.. we'll see how my day goes!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

could this be the REAL me?

this is Dylan's birthday weekend.. so I knew there would be eating on the menu.. after much back and forth he decided on Gino's East. i figured I'd get a salad and be done with it.. of course upon getting there I find they had soup so I ordered a cup, then Tim ordered some garlic rolls, then we ordered just a pizza. Deep dish pepperoni of course. It was all good, but not O good.. ya know.. then we went to the mall to get Dylan's birthday gifts. I figured I'd let him pick them out because I had no clue what he'd want. So we're in the mall and I decide I want ice cream.. I head over to Baskin Robbins and order up 2 scoops of chocolate peanut butter... so I'm sitting in the mall scooping up the ice cream and I realize.. I'M NOT EVEN TASTING THE STUFF! What? take another bite.. NOTHING! Okay, I just spent almost $4 on this I'm gonna eat it.. so I ate around the big PB chunks and still nothing.. so whatever... this is very confusing to me that my tastes have changed that much that #1 I was mad I spent the $$, #2 I was mad I didn't even really taste it, #3 I had to tell Tim that from now on if I say I want ice cream to tell me that I don't even taste it anymore... very strange.. strange.. yes very strange....