wake me October ends..

FORGET SEPTEMBER! lol! its' been a hectic few weeks for us.. Tim lost his job on the 5th so yes we are both unemployed right now.. not fun for sure. He's been trying to get a new job as fast as possible. He's been doing pretty well for himself having several interviews each week. At least he's getting out there.

Other than that we've been keeping busy doing various things around the house, visiting with neighbors/friends/family, taking care of odds and ends.. it just amazes me that so much time has gone by and I haven't gotten any of the things I had planned on getting done out of the way. It's amazing to me how fast the days go when I don't have a schedule. There is always something to be taken care of, something that needs to be done by today/tomorrow.

My 32nd birthday is this week! lol! going to Texas De Brazil with my family for dinner on Wednesday. yummooo!

Other than that I don't have much to talk about, sorry!

Dylan started HIGH SCHOOL

yup.. it's true.. he's finished exactly 1 full week of high school. it's totally amazing to me, it makes me feel old, and all at the same time.. it makes sense to me. it stinks he started school so early because we had to plan everything around his early starting school year.. oh well.. such is life. In 4 years I'll be talking about him starting his life, going to college or whatever he may choose to do.. for now he's a freshman in high school and has all his high school days in front of him! god speed mr Dylan. (his voice is changing too!)

Dan is leaving for Afghanistan as well.. Mike has been gone for a month or so.. Had a small party to see Dan off last night.. it was good to see him.

Still not back at work.. should be the end of this month or sometime next month.

Amy is on the mend.. she's walking and using her arms but the right side of her face is just not coming back. Tim was asked to be the god father! :)

Not much else to talk about!

what my friends are teaching me about life and death

I have several cases, instances where disease has hit home to people who are like family to me.. days turn to months in hospitals, rehabs, dr offices... mis diagnoisis, immediate diagnoisis.. which is more devastating? finding out now or later.. getting a death sentence or being told you will live with disability for the rest of your life.. being told any day is your day.. telling your kids, your spouse, your parents, your aunts uncles and cousins.. your close friends.. neighbors, co workers.. how will they react.. how will you react???

diseases and syndroms that nobody has ever heard about but then once you do just a little internet digging you find.. it's not that rare at all.. in fact... a baby born every 30 minutes will have one of the hundreds of forms of Lysosmal Disease.. a death sentence. it could be months or years for each child.. it's genetic, both parents must have the gene.. meaning how could we have been so unlucky to meet, fall in love, make babies and pass this horrible illness this fate to our child?? why..

forms of Musclar Dystrophy are the same.. one in particular Friedreich's Ataxia lets a child live a normal life.. they can remember running, jumping, playing.. then one day their balance isn't so good.. they fall, they are weak.. and depending on the person they are eventually wheelchair bound...

Gillian Barre Syndrom 1 in 1,000... you can get it from a immunization, an operation, having a weak immune system, and now I'm seeing some people who swear there could be some genetics involved.. both a mother and a daughter could both wind up with GBS.. another syndrom that strikes without warning.. misdiagnosis, lots of tests and within that time the patient just gets weaker.. to the point that their heart or lungs could stop working all together. Paralyzed they can not blink, chew their food, smile, move their arms or legs. Most will have lasting effects for the rest of their lives and worse it can come back once you've had it..

Ehlers-Danlos.. okay I've only heard of one person with this syndrom that I know.. but he has been hospitalized now for months, was actually in a medically induced coma because his body needed time to heal. Woke up one night not feeling well, went to the ER they sent him home, by morning the ambulance had to be called because his gut was filled with blood. This syndrom is genetic, there are believed to be 6 different types, basically it weakens collegan that also normally plays a role in binding together the cells of our tissues including the skin, tendons, muscle, and blood vessels. So basically you could be bleeding out inside your body and have no idea..

of course.. more common disease cancer.. all types.. all over the place.. so many people I know have been touched by every cancer you can name.. both my parents have had cancer at one time in their lives.. both in their 30's.. I'm 31.. tick tock tick tock... so many out there yet to be diagnosed.. so many diseases and syndroms that most people don't ever hear about or learn about until someone they love is effected.. until that persons life is taken from them..

30 and healthy as a horse, a new born daughter and 2 year old son.. a house with a picket fence, the dog and the great husband too.. it was the day that should have started their lives with everything they wanted.. and yes she lives, and yes she will improve physically.. but she won't move forward in life without each step being a privlege to her, each breath knowing that she was tested, she'll win.. she's got the motiviation.. and I'll ask her the next time I see "what am I taking for granted?? Tell me now so I can take them in" from going to the bathroom myself to walking my dog.. it's all being taken advantage of every day.. is this a sign? the center of the storm? I've had the worst happen to my closest family and friends and I still live the way I do.. should I be more thankful? should I be doing something else with my life. I'm not saying I live horribly or don't live life.. but it makes you stop and think.. and sometimes I have to think "what is next" because it seems just when I thought I've seen, heard, and lived it all.. I'm thrown another curve ball.. and I wonder am I being tested too??

FREE TABLE TAKE IT

FREE TABLE TAKE IT, is what the table read sitting on the cub on a street that I rarely walk my dog down.. for some reason last night he wanted to walk around the block instead of on the path.. whatever little man it's your walk.. let's go. My husband was gone for the night at a impromtu bachelor bbq party, I had just gotten back from biking up to Crystal Lake to get some ice cream. The sun was setting, the air was cooling.. it was a great time for a walk.. not to mention the hottie construction type guy fishing on my lake within sight of my back door.. so we walked around and I come upon this table. It actually made me laugh out loud because I had been yelling at Tim all day to "go borrow a table" for my sons graduation dinner party tonight.

I laughed because it's strange, I've heard time and time again that sometimes things you need just come to you exactly when you need them.. even dumb things you could have easily borrowed from another neighbor. For me the past few months I've experienced this for myself over and over.

For example, Tim and I needed just additional "spending money" for necessities.. gas/food in order to pay off our debt in full.. I kept crunching the numbers and no matter how I played it I figured we would have to wait at least another 10 days for another paycheck to come in so we could afford to live. We went out to dinner with Tim's parents and there they were... Handed across the table as if to say "this is what you've been waiting for" although Tim's parents had no clue what they were worth to us until the following morning when I called his mom SHRIEKING because we paid off our debt. When his dad handed them to us he actually said "maybe this will bump you up 6 hours" with a chuckle.

The savings bonds face worth $25 and $50 respectively wound up being worth over $400! Now that is some spending cash! Tim did not even want to turn them in, but he did in the name of getting rid of the debt we had accumulated together.

So there it is.. proof to myself once again that sometimes you just have to stop and wait, it will come to you.. no matter what the situation there is a way out.

someplace between reality and dream world...

in my mind while I dream I think I confuse reality and the dream world as I'm sure many people do.. for me I've found that from one dream to the next even over years as long as it's the same topic or dealing with the same person in my life that I can remember not only details from the real world but from my dreams... last night was no different for me as I was dreaming that I was with my friend Nicole who died almost 8 years ago.. something inside my mind was totally confused last night because for some reason I remembered her dying but then being alive again in reality. It's so strange because I could actually remember the details of the miracle of her being alive again and then losing her all over. Somehow she just slipped away.. and those details I don't remember, I don't know, somewhere, somehow, she was just gone again.. so I face the fact that she never was alive here on earth again.. but I am realizing that I do believe she is alive somewhere. It makes me wonder if she has been reincarnated and if we'll ever meet again. It makes me wonder if she's an angel waiting for me in heaven and when I'll see her again. It makes me wonder if she's a spirit stuck waiting between the living world and the world beyond and if she'll ever be able to free herself from between those two worlds and move forward. Will I get to the afterlife before her? But then on other nights I dream of my grandma and the funny part is that for some reason the night I spent with her was doing normal things with her. Helping her cut something because her hands didn't work for probably the last 10-15 years here on earth. Just normal.. us in the kitchen doing our normal stuff.. WGN on the radio in the background the loud buzz of the new hour a constant in our house because the radio always kept her company. She liked to listen to news, to people calling in and making her laugh over stupid Chicago stuff... Cubs stuff, Bears stuff, Michigan Avenue stuff.. whatever.. her directing me as I cooked dinner.. "ooh add a little water" or "mix that really good" "okay turn that over now" "time to start the carrots" (her favorite). she cooked by sound, by smell, by touch. She could always tell if I was rushing something or waiting too long and she would remind me. "these things take time" or "okay, turn down the heat" or "wait another 10 minutes or so" as she would gaze out the window watching the world go by through her crystal clear light blue eyes.. nobody in the world has her color eyes.. they were so clear, so pale, just barely a hint of color to them and then the color they were.. just a touch of sky blue. pretty amazing.. or are they amazingly pretty.. hmmm

SNOW IN APRIL!

YES WE HAD SNOW ON APRIL 28TH.. A thick heavy snow at that! It actually stuck on the ground and on cars! Thank god it had melted by the time I came back out because I had given my snow brush to Tim! lol!

this big ol heart o mine

THERE ONCE WAS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART THAT NO ONE ELSE COULD EVER BE

THE REASON IT WAS SO SPECIAL WAS BECAUSE IT WAS A SPACE MADE FOR ONLY YOU AND ME

BEFORE WE MET AS LOVERS THIS PLACE WAS ONLY A LOCKED PLACE TO HIDE

BUT SOMEHOW SOME WAY YOU FOUND THE KEY AND LET OURSELF INSIDE

UNLOCKING A DOOR THAT HAD NEVER BEEN TOUCHED WAS COVERED IN DUST AND SOOT

WAS AN EXCITMENT ALL IT’S OWN YOU CARRIED NO WEIGHT AFOOT

THE OLD WOODEN DOOR OPENED WITH A CREEK TO A NEW BEAUTIFUL WONDERLAND

FILLED WITH NEW LIFE ADVENTURES YOU GRIPPED THE KEY TIGHTER IN YOUR HAND

THE EXCITEMENT BUILT AND BUILT AS YOU TIPTOIED THROUGHOUT THIS WONDEROUS SPACE

WITH A GREAT BIG GOOFY SMILE SLAPPED ABROAD YOUR FACE

YOUR EYES OPENED WIDE INSPECTING EVERYTHING HERE JUST FOR YOU

AND HOPED THAT THIS FANTASYLAND WOULD ASWAYS STAY TRUE

AT THAT MOMENT WE DID NOT REALIZE A RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES WORK

AND WE EXPECTED IT ALL ALWAYS TO BE THE JOYOUS SOUND OF A CORK

POPPING OUT THE BOTTLE CHAMPAIGN SPLASHING THROUGHOUT THE AIR

MAKING US ALL WET WITH NO PAIN TO EVER BARE

NOW THAT PLACE IN MY HEART IS CLOSED AND LOCKED UP TIGHT

I HAVE PUSHED YOU OUT AND THE KEY YOU WILL NEVER FIND

I GUARD THIS DOOR NOW WITH EVER SINGLE OUNCE OF STRENGTH

SO YOU MAY NEVER AGAIN SLIP BACK INSIDE AND BRING ME MORE WRETCHED HEARTACHE

THE REASON IS NOT HIDDEN DEEP, IT THE REASON EVERYONE ONE KNOWS SO WELL

AND FOR THAT REASON AND ONE REASON ALL ALONE I NOW RETURN AS MY EMPTY HEARTED CLONE

THE REASON BEING ONE THAT MAKES ME LOOK AWAY IN SHAME

AND MAKES ME FEEL LITTLE, SCARED, AND ALL ALONE IN PAIN

BUT DAY BY DAY I ALWAYS PRAY I WILL NEVER FEEL THIS ACHE

FROM WHEN MY LOVER FELL FROM GRACE AND REACHES FOR ANOTHER...

I DISCOVERED HE LOOKS DOWN UPON ANOTHER WOMENTS FACE

THIS ACHE NOW SCARES ME AS I LOOK UP INTO YOUR EYES

I WILL NEVER KNOW ANYTHING BUT THE ENDLESS MOURNFUL CRIES

OF DREAMS THAT ARE SWEPT INTO THE PAST

GOOD THINGS IN LIFE GUARANTEED TO NEVER LAST

NOW THAT ALL IS SAID AND DONE

I FEEL A GREAT RELEIF TO BELIEVE AT LEAST WE KINDA WON

AT LEAST WE FOUND THE ONE AND ONLY

THE ONE THAT MAKES US WHOLE

THE ONES WHO CARRIES THE PROMISE TO ALWAYS HELP US REACH OUR GOAL

NO MATTER HOW FAR APART

I MAY FIND YOU LURKING IN MY MIND

OR HIDDEN FROM THE WORLD BEHIND THIS BIG ’OL HEART O’MINE

DRUMROLL PLEASE.... Dylan is 14

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY! I LOVE YA!!!!!! I CAN NOT BELIEVE HE IS 14!! Dylan has been asking for a laptop for like 5 years and finally we all pitched in and got him a lap top.. and he got a really cool one to boot! Ed (of course) found us a really great deal. Dylan had a list of things he wanted his laptop to have/things he wanted it to be able to do and we pretty much covered all the bases but also got a few extras minus a webcam. He's set for high school! DOUBLE WOOT!!

on his way home to his mommy...

Blue is on his way home!! yeahhh!!! I'm pretty excited about seeing him! Little devil boy!

CC debt war update

Okay.. I just realized that I have not updated this blog on our credit card debt war. i think the last time I actually blogged about I had just mentioned us getting the jobs at the boat.

Okay so here is the low down. Tim and I had absolutely no debt when we moved into this house almost 5 years ago. We paid off what little debt we had, I think like $4,000, my car, and paid his parents back for the lending us the money for the down payment plus still had over $40,000 for the down payment on the house and down payment on his new truck. So we bought the house and 11 days later took the remaining $10,000 and his old truck and bought his new truck. I'd like to say that we got a good deal on the truck, but of course there are a few cardinal rules i think we missed along the way considering the fact that we argued over the price of the truck vs the price of the trade in for over 6 hours. Looking back we should have left but it was the EXACT truck Tim wanted and i wasn't leaving until Tim got what he wanted.

Less than a month later began the downward spiral. Both my and Tim's jobs started slowing down, we went from working ALL THE TIME to being home more and more often which gave us more time to hang and get to know our neighbors which was great.. on the flip side we never sat down and said "okay we gotta cut back expenses" we lived as if we were making double what we made (as we had been for the previous 4 years solid). The weddings began, a ton of our friends all got married within the last 4 years so you can imagine all the showers, engagement parties, bachelor/ette parties, wedding gifts, clothing, tux rentals, hotel rooms, days off of work, flights, car rentals, and now baby showers, baby gifts, christening gifts etc etc etc we've had to pay.. and my gut reaction has been to be a little bitter about all the expenses we've incurred considering most of these people were not around when I had Dylan and have contributed nothing to him and for my marriage to Tim did not have anywhere near the expenses we did for their weddings. But in "keeping up with the Joshezz" fashion we kept up even though we couldn't afford it.

We have been chiseling away at this debt since the end of October and haven't even paid off $10,000 which really sucks but we are keeping at it. More importantly we've finally looked at the big picture and decided we need to start putting our foot down and looking out for ourselves as #1. So if we look at costs and can't afford something, we either don't go or we go and don't spend any money doing going. It's funny how now I look at taking a Saturday night off for a family event as COSTING me $150. That $150 is now what I feel I'm "behind" in paying off debt. It sucks to look at it that way.. but that is the way it is.

I feel that we are fortunate in one area. Tim and I have always been a PAY YOURSELF FIRST couple and we have faithfully contributed to our 401k's, ESOP's, IRA's, money market funds, installment certificates, bonds etc this entire time. So when we consolidated our credit cards and got a home equity loan to pay off everything, it just didn't make sense to us to have to pull money from those funds/accounts and have to pay penalties and/or taxes and fees on that money. Taking on second jobs was the only way we could live with this and hopefully the exhuastion and frusteration we feel from working extra hours every week will stick with us long enough to never touch a credit card again.

The one thing I didn't expect to happen is that this has become my personal vendetta if you will. In my life I've gone through periods of obsession with something or another.. the last 3 years was diet and exercise.. it became my passion.. that has been totally thrown to the wind, I'm gaining weight like you wouldn't believe.. but really I don't care because I'm focused on the debt and the feeling I get when I make another payment. The cool part has been that we got the HELOC through our credit union so I can go online 24/7 and make payments. I've been trying to deposit as much tip cash as possible sometimes several times a week and then I go online and wait for that money to become available. The second it becomes available I make a payment unles I need it for something else.

Tim and I have been attempting to make goals and write them down and keep track week to week on those goals. Bare with us the next couple months because we have a rather large goal we set for ourselves and hindsite of course we realized we have a bunch of other BIG MONEY things coming up the next 3 months that need to be paid for.. so I'm actually doubting that we'll get anywhere near our goal, but we are sure as hell going to try. On the plus side is our BIG MONEY things will be paid for in CASH unlike 6 months ago. 6 months ago I wouldn't have thought about it at all and just paid for it with my credit card, or paid cash and then would buy groceries for the month on my credit card.. so either way, my credit card was going for a ride several times a month.

Getting 2nd jobs was a big wake up call for many of our family and friends who realized that we were in credit card debt but did not realize the full extent of it. (I have actually had to tell my dad the total number like 5 times because I think he is in denial about it and each time he acts shocked all over again) I have to say that since the wake up call that we have gotten so much more support and I think we've even encouraged other people to take their debt troubles by the horns and go out and get 2nd jobs. The last few months every week at least 2 or 3 people question me about my 2nd job, how it's going, etc and then tell me that they are thinking about having to do the same thing. No matter how much it sucks, sometimes it just has to be done.

SO GO OUT THERE AND GETTTTTTERRRRRRRRR DONE!

Sidney and her pantons...

yes.. so my cat in the absense of her true life enemy (Blue) now has the energy to come up with some super annoying and sometimes very expensive hobbies. She will play with anything we've come to find out.. a straw that was left in my apron from the boat, she'll tear the wrapper off and chew and play with the straw for hours.. she likes to wake us up the second she hears one of us move in bed, even comes to stand guard meowing as she stands on our heads begging us to wake up and feed her. For anyone who has met Sid you realize the cat actually talks.. sometimes in regular english words so I wake up at 5 am only because I rolled over or dare to take a pee and she walks in wailing, MMMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMMAAAA MMMMAAAAAAMMMMMAAAAAAA MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM nice cat, you are 15 and totally senile, go down stairs and pretend you are sleeping.. no dice EVER. okay.. so on to her wonderful new hobby.. stealing pantons out of the bathroom, tearing their wrapper off, and flinging the applicator and plug around the house.. so if you come to my house and find tampons laying about.. you know why (oh yes.. and in our house pantons are tampons.. just another "from the mouth of babes" comment made by my son when he was like 5 or 6 "moooomm I know what a PANTON is!!" yeah huh...

wishing on a star...

well.. there it is.. I'm feeling guilty for dealing with such pettiness in my life over the past two weeks when two of my girlfriends are dealing with their dads dying before them.. their daddies, their rock, strong men who raised them... one daddies little girl, one not even close.. but both dealing with the terms of their sentence.. each conversation important, each moment away from them missing what life is left excruciating.. each trying to grasp at straws, and keep their chins held high.. and then again this week.. another woman I know who sadly lost her father in the same manner as the other 2 girls found out her best friend.. a girl she's known since she was 4, the godmother to her first born... her best friend's condition was announced today loud and clear and the news not good. we forced her to leave, to go home, to take some time for her.. to deal with this, to do what she needed to do.. and again.. tonight I'm wishing on a star now for 3 women who maybe don't invade my everyday life, but as these days wind down for them I will keep them in my thoughts and hope that at the end for them what is needed to be said has been said.. as this is a blessing in a sense that they do have time to open their hearts, speak their minds, and hopefully have no regrets after all is said and done.. after all.. it's not too late.

To the three ladies who have some way or form been there for me in my life, I love you, I'm here for you, I'm thinking of you and your families.

getting BENT

so there it is.. the story of my life.. getting the short end of the stick, life not being fair, nothing being equal at least in my eyes.. the life of a Libra where balancing everything in ones life is essential... and even sometimes for me obsessive. and nothing like lives little reminders to just keep popping up to let me know at all costs that my life will never seem balanced to others around me is the always bent fork. Not one fork in my house is bent... not that I know of, but low and behold no matter where I eat out I ALWAYS get the bent fork. It's the most annoying happening in my life. It's always consistent. I can go to any restuarant anywhere and grab a fork from a bin myself.. one out HUNDREDS of forks in 4-5 bins even at a buffett and somehow I always winds up with the bent fork. here it was again tonight. My son and I went out for dinner before I had to drop him back off with his dad. The waiter asked us if we wanted bread before our meal came out.. sure that sounds good.. he brings bread and butter but no utensils. a bus boy comes around the corner just a minute later and I ask him to which he quickly grabs to sets of silverware wrapped in a napkin secured by a little wrapper with the restuarants logo. I rip through the paper and look down and there it is.. another bent fork.. to this I laugh and my son grabs his set of utensils.. he got TWO forks.. both of them perfect, now one flaw in either of them.. I get ONE fork in my set.. mine is BENT and somehow my son gets TWO forks.. both perfect? coincindence.. I think not.. it's just a story of my life. My son and I have a really good laugh at it and laugh about how annoying it is to me try to eat with a bent fork. It pains me to actually put the fork full of food in my mouth. It's the strangest thing. i don't like the feeling of the little prong sticking out no matter how little the bend is.. so this gets me thinking.. is there a reason for this.. is there someone trying to give me some sort of a signal from another side.. is it the food gods saying DON'T FUCKING EAT THIS SHIT because I love to eat so much and it's so bad for me.. my one addiction in life for my addictive personality because I refuse to smoke, drink or spend money... or is it someone who has passed who through forks shows me they are still around.. this is your reminder however I have no fucking clue who you are... OR could it be that at one point in my life someone told me to GET BENT and now I'm being punished by bent forks? I don't get it.. I don't.

yes so if you too seem to find something in your life that is just ALWAYS a little off.. maybe you get the small fork at every meal? or the small spoon? or you never get a steak knife at your favorite steak house? or maybe you always get the dirty toliet stall in public bathrooms.. or the end of the toliet paper roll... what is it in your life that always happens...