angry and blessed

I'm angry.. that's it.. I'm angry. I'm angry at life for being unfair. I'm angry that someone so close to me is dead and she isn't here to laugh with me about stupid bullshit in life. I'm angry it's been 7 years and I still haven't found the way to deal with her or her daughters death. I'm angry that I sit here day in and day out not bettering myself when she is not on earth wishing she could be here bettering herself. I'm angry she's not here just to tell me that. I'm angry that I haven't felt her in years. I'm angry that I miss her smile. I'm angry that I'm forgetting the sound of her laugh. I'm angry that I loved her straight white teeth and I can't see them anymore. I'm angry I ever wasted any time fighting with her over stupid bullshit. I'm angry that I have let him win and take more than just Nicole and Jade away from me. I'm angry at God for allowing all this to happen. I'm angry that I want to get her story out there and haven't. I'm angry that I love someone that I can't see or touch in this world. I'm angry that Nicole didn't look like herself in her casket and that it never registered to me that it was HER laying there dead. I'm angry that Jade looked like a doll in her casket, as if she just lay down to take a nap after a morning of hard 2 year old play. I'm angry I can't recieve anymore special "ti-ti sissy" hugs from Jade or gaze at her awesome thick curley eyelashes. I'm angry that I didn't feel it immediately, that I didn't know until DAYS later. I'm angry that she died in the manner that she'd asked about before. I'm angry that she loved the song that explained her death. I'm angry I didn't see the WARNING signs flashing bright at me. I'm angry that I don't know all the fact and never will. I'm angry that I have so little of her here with me. I'm angry whenever I miss their birthdays or the anniversary of their death. I'm angry that even though I've been proved time and time again to enjoy each day on earth and to live it the fullest, that I don't. I'm angry that time does not heal all wounds. I'm angry that I miss her because I shouldn't be missing her. I'm angry I can't call her. I'm angry I can't email her. I'm angry I can't text her or stalk her on myspace. I'm angry that there are never enough roses, balloons, cards, words, memories, that can compare to what I want to give Nicole and Jade. I'm angry...



I'm blessed to have known her. I'm blessed to have heard the sound of her breath and her laugh both things I loved. I'm blessed to have been able to see Jades eyelashes and Nicole's perfectly white straight teeth. I'm blessed to have had a friend that loved me for me. I'm blessed to have the sight of Jades butterly barretts in her hair on her 1st birthday etched in my memory.. they moved rythemically as she walked and bounced. I'm blessed that I know where she is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days per year. I'm blessed that I can look at her pictures. I'm blessed that I have many great memories of Nicole. I'm blessed that my tears pour for her because it means that I give a shit about anyone else other than myself. I'm blessed that I know where her killer is... in jail where he belongs. I'm blessed to be sharing her story now.