watching him independent

so here it is... my nephew Sam's birthday party last week Wednesday... he has it with 20 other kids from school, my son, of course his brother and a few of his brothers friends, my cousin Heather & her three kids, my aunt Kathie and her two step grandchildren Harley & Nova, my parents, my husband & I, Mike (Sam's dad) and partridge in a pear tree.. so 9 year olds right... okay they are so obnoxious.. I seriously do not remember being so obnoxiously loud that I rendered my aunt deaf and sent her and her 4 month old daughter while attached to the tit running for quieter corners of Laser Extreme. Seriously.. but in the midst of it all I got another chance to stop time again only for a brief moment. I entered the "briefing" room where there is glass that you can watch as the kids play their game. They were in the midst of their final game before going home, it was big kids against little kids.. so basically 20 9 year olds against Mike, Tim, Leif, Dylan, AJ, Jason, umm yeah that's it.. and of course they were creaming the fuck out of the 9 year olds.. they were on the side where there were way more places to hide and guard your body and of course they were bigger, older, and have better aim.. the game is at like 600 to 240 and I'm watching as Leif is standing 6 foot 1 inch able to look over the tall walls that surround him... and it brought me back to the day he was born.. I'm standing in the hallway outside the Labor and Delivery ward the leads to the nursery and the nurse comes out carrying Leif.. my very first glimpse of him.. I can remember it as if it just happend 5 minutes ago, I can still smell the hospital, the smell of his fresh little head, the look of his yellow/orange/brown jaundice skin, the way he looked wrapped tightly in a blanket, the sound of the nurses voice as she softly said "okay, just for a few seconds" as she looked at my pleading eyes to allow me to meet Leif for the first time... his little fingers immediately curled around my finger and he even managed to open his eyes for just a second to reveal my eyes starring back at me... it was like we knew. I watched as the nurse swept past me just a second later, clicking the code to get into the nursey letting the door shut behind her with a click.. over to the window to keep watch on him they flipped him around like a chicken measuring him head to toe, washing him, rewrapping him and from there.. I have no recollection of anything else happening after that on that day. Just that blip in time that I stopped long enough to smell the roses and really etch everything into my memory.. something I'll never forget. And so goes the cycle of life.. unfortunately.. he is now 15, tall and very slender, his hair perfectly in style, he's got all the gadgets a 15 year old could ever want.. every game, every luxary, yup he's spoiled and I miss the days when I was his hero when he called me Sissy and ran for me.. his big blue eyes framed by beautiful thick eyelashes.. ahhhh yes, I'm pretty damn lucky.

the end of the rainbow

soooo after removing the evil IUD I decided that gaining 26lbs in 2 months and not being able to ever get my weight back down, I better try to jump start my body into detoxing. I recieved a gift certificate for my 30th birthday from a neighbor I helped out when she got her puppy Nala... anyway.. So the gift cert was a good enough chunk of change for me to go to this spa and get two different services.. I chose a 60 minute massage and a herbal body wrap. I was hoping that between the two it might help my body realize it needs to get rid of all the "ickys" so to speak.. so I called the spa and asked about 40 zillion questions and the girl was more than willing to set up the services to help me figure out the best attack for my buck! Anyway.. so it was all set up, time set, etc.. then I find out yesterday morning it wasn't at the location I thought. I had thought I was calling their spa that is close to my work.. of course not.. but as luck would have it, we were slow at work so I left 5 minutes early and got some directions that took me down back roads to avoid traffic.. and it worked like a charm! Got there with plenty of time to spare... anyway.. I walk in and they bring me to a locker room and gave me a locker with a key, a robe and showed me where to change and then showed me a room to come to when I was ready. The room was called the relaxation room and it was this room that was really dark, almost like a sauna warm with wood slatt walls, then there was this bench.. the bench was concrete and the room was octagon and it went all the way around the room.. the bench was shaped to the curves the body and it was HEATED! total heaven.. in the middle of the room was a glass table that was also a water fountain with rocks and candles.. first I filled out some basic paper work then into the massage.. I asked for Lavendar essential oil to be used and it was a great massage although I'm really used to my sports/deep tissue massages and after the massage lady told me that my ham strings are extremly tight and she didn't want to work on them long because she didn't feel I was letting go.. strange.. my other massage ladies like me because I'm normally like puddy for them! lol! anyway.. then back to the relaxation room with some water etc. Then the second lady came and got me for the body wrap.. OMG kill me... she first rubbed down my arms/legs a loofah kind of thing that were gloves, then she rubbed me down with more essential oil, then she had me stand up and put burning hot towels down on the table, then had me lay down, more hot towels over me, then wrapped me from underneath the table in basically foil. I looked like left overs.. then while I was sitting in that she gave me a scalp massage.. omg kill me.. then after that I went back to the locker room for a steam shower.. omg again kill me they had the shower head that was like the size of a small pizza on the ceiling.. and then another hand held shower head if you didn't want the over head on.. plus she gave me a huge basket of shower gels, shampoo, conditioner and a really big fluffy towel.. I was in heaven.. after the shower I went to the sink and they had a huge supply of every type of tolietry you could think of.. contact lense solution, deoderant, face wash, hand/body soap, lotion, hair dryers, brushes, combs, hair spray/gel, cotton balls, q tips, etc etc etc it was great.. I walked out to pay and got 25% off for having back to back services so my total was low enough to pay tips and everything on the card! it was great.. I walked outside and it had been raining HARD when I was getting my 2 services done and of course the sun was again shining so as I started walking to my car I realized there was the best biggest brightest rainbow I'd ever seen in my life.. talk about a scene out a movie.. how could life get any better than this?? I'll tell ya.. I went home and Tim had made pork chops, mixed veggies, and a great fruit salad.. it was a amazing and perfect end to my day...

and on with my life.. finally..

so here it is... not even 48 hours since I had the "thing" removed and I'm already bleeding.. OMG here we go again.. 7 month long periods with no end in sight.. not sooo good. I'm feeling extremely tired today, my joints and muscles were hurting a bit.. not sure if it's my body trying to function on it's own or what.. hmmm..

Well Dylan is on vacation with my sister. He went to Washington DC to see my cousin and her 3 kids.. sounds like they are having a blast. They drove there! Yuck! Not so much fun. I wouldn't want to do it!

Another freakin busy ass weekend is approaching.. I should just say another freaking busy ass month is here.. We're busy every weekend and even most nights of the week from now until July 15th!

funniest thing I've read in a long time

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied
1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
2.Poo on seat.
3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier. Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently. - Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence. "Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??" Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth.... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching. - Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth. As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has manged to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.

date night

Well if you know me at all you know I'm part polish part Jewish and as my mother likes to tell friends and family, I can make Lincoln scream if I need too.. I make car sales men cringe as I walk in the door.. they know their deal won't be complete for hours.. My HP in hand calculating out every last penny and then I throw out even more at them even when they think they have me... the last time a $40,000 truck for $31,000... I'm upset that I didn't learn more technique (other than beating the crap out of my husband after he breaks ever cardinal rule in a car sales office) from my Uncle Bob who actually had the sales guys just begging him to leave with the car after hours and hours of back and forth... I think the guy offered them 10 cents on the dollar for a Cadillac one time.. seriously.. the man was a force to be reckoned with.. so here it is Monday night which is normally bike night for our neighbors, myself, and my husband.. Apparently all of our regulars were either busy or sick and couldn't come out tonight so it was just Tim & I. We made our way to Dundee (the short bike ride) in less than 30 minutes and decided to eat dinner at a bar called Diamond Jims. I've never been there but my boss raves about the food any chance she gets.. so we stop in the place is EMPTY! We go to the bar I order a water with lemon and Tim a Miller light (but what else) we grab some menus and head to a table to figure out what to get.. I talk Tim into a French Dip which I knew he'd love and I wind up with a cheeseburger over a salad.. not sure how that happened but the diet starts tomorrow! We got our food, ate really fast, went to DQ got some ice cream, and biked back.. it was an amazing night out.. so great for riding, even better for sharing it with just Tim. I love riding on our bike path.. you get miles away from the world and there are views that people didn't even know existed in their own town.. it's just amazing.. you don't see or hear cars for miles, sometimes you don't see people for miles.. the birds, the squirrels, deer, chipmunks all scamper over the path in front of you... it's just heaven. It really cooled down on our ride back, but that was fine.. our bellies full the cool breeze through the trees and along our bodies felt great... we got home and we're cleaning up around the house... Okay not the dream date that most anyone would expect.. but it's these kind of nights that I know that Tim and I are just right for each other. Any other night, maybe not! j/k!! ;)

Happy 3rd Birthday Blue!

So here we are.. the play on 3's this year.. Dylan 13, Tim 30, Dad 30.. not anymore are they the 3 amigo's.. Blue is now part of that making them the 4 amigo's.. but I guess they all have April birthday's and Blue is on the devil day 6/6.

Last night I lay awake long after I should have fallen asleep.. I was thinking of where Blue might have been born, what his mother might have been like, the horrible conditions, his mother turning him away from her so he wouldn't want to feed from her because she was so weak and hadn't eaten or had fresh water in weeks.. her paws dirty and bloody clinging to the bottom of a wire cage... the horrible place she had to give birth in every 6 months or so of her life.. living only to breed. The sounds of other dogs in pain and agony around her, the stench of feces and urine, and maybe a few dead animals laying around... the filth, the bugs, the disease. Each dog never knowing a kind human who loved and adored them.. and there lays my little guy all perfect and blue making the strangest little whine as he slept. Almost as he too was remembering his birth, his mother, the cages, the stench, the sounds of agony. I feel horrible that I myself have contributed to that, and honestly I didn't know when I paid for him. I felt confident that I had asked all the right questions and had found someone that wasn't a back yard breeder or worse yet in connection with a puppy mill.. but a few weeks later I was proven wrong with his AKC papers came in the mail and sure enough, the name of the woman I did my entire transaction with was no where to be seen anywhere on the forms. Instead "Watson" was the name I looked at... etched into my head that the name of my god parents, I would have never forgotten that name... and so I wonder just where he came from, if really the images in my head are true or if it was even worse than that... I can only imagine.. and I know now since the day I've had him, he was my fate. He was meant to be my dog, my baby, my companion.. everything I wanted (minus the "broker" status) and I have now learned a huge lesson in the world of animals and will never be a buyer at any pet store, on line, brokerage, etc. I will hunt for my next animal only through shelters or rescue firms because even though I love Blue and wouldn't trade him for the world, the lives of innocent animals will not be supported by me for them to live in such horrible conditions while their owners sit pretty in their homes driving nice cars, expensive clothes and jewelery, all the while living a lie to themselves and the world.. there is a special place in hell for those people...

Anyway... I'm here to celebrate Blue's 3rd birthday and today will be special.. he'll get some doggy ice cream (as he did on Monday night but it took him 20 minutes to eat half and got a super bad brain freeze and refused to eat anymore) and if it rains and I don't go biking maybe I'll take him the barkery for some treats. But regardless of how we spend the day together, tonight he'll be snug in my arms, warm, dry, and hopefully not having nightmares of his past that I worry so much about. Poor little babe. Happy 3rd Birthday baby boy Blue!

Idiot Sightings...

Idiot sightings:>>> IDIOT SIGHTING> Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told> us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor> on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one> Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said,> "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2> was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We> haven't used Sears repair since.> _____________________________________________> > IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor> call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the> Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by> cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing> anymore." From Kingman , KS> ______________________________________________________> > IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a> taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He> said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From> Kansas City !> ______________________________________________________> > IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an> airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your> knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I> know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."> Happened in Birmingham , Ala.> ______________________________________________________> > IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross> the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.> She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals> blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are> blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS> _______________________________________________________> IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She> was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully,> "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We> all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This> was a bunch at Texas Instruments.> > ________________________________________________________> IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back> into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her> system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no> less.> ________________________________________________________> IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership> to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to> the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the> driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively> tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced> to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that> side."> This was at the Ford dealership in Mobile, Alabama> ______________________________________________________________________> > STAY ALERT!> They walk among us, they REPRODUCE and they VOTE!!

Hard boiled eggs....

yes there it is.. butterfly's have become the one way I will continue to reprsent the fact that I carry my grandmother with me every day.. hence grabbing any t-shirt, pocketbook, pin, accessory that has butterflies strewn on them.. even if the butterfly itself is ugly.. it doesn't matter. It's what it represents for me. I hate needles but one day I do plan on getting a tattoo so there is not one day that I don't leave my memory of my grandmother behind. I always want a thought of her not a second away from me. As I type I look down at my hands and they remind me of my grandmother telling me all the time that when she was young she had the same hands as mine.. how beautiful they were, and how everyone always told her how beautiful they were. Mine were until a fight with an abusive ex-boyfriend and now my right hand pinkie is croocked.. so much for hand modeling.. but that makes me feel that one day I will live the life that she lived. She moved in with us when I was 10, shortly after we moved to our new house in Arlington Hts. My parents had an extra master suite built on the first floor so she could have her privacy and still live with us. As soon as she moved in, she had just retired, and she slowed down fast.. once walking to work, the grocery store, the local restaurants, to get her hair done, to go painting ceramics, now she sat in her chair and the kitchen table and so a ritual begun. Every day I got home from school.. some days a neighbor would come home with me to study or watch tv or read together.. whatever we did they always went home around 4:30ish and I went into the kitchen to see what Grandma had started for dinner. My grandmother was one of 11 brothers and sisters, raised on a farm in a small town in Iowa. The woman could cook any American meal that you could name off the top of your head and she could come up with the best recipes for anything.. even leftovers had their own things that one could make them into to renew their splendor.. I could never tell for sure if they tasted better as leftovers or not. Either way, most meals had their own homemade gravy and potatoes were a staple. My best memories are of hard boiled eggs... wheather we were making deviled eggs for a party, egg salad sandwiches, or just regular ol hard boiled eggs I was always facinated watching my grandmothers frail thin crippled hands work their way around a hard boiled egg.. she had the patience of a saint for each egg and they always came out perfect.. she had all these tricks on how to cool them, just where to strike them, and she always told the story of watching her mother just run them under water and the shells would just fall away practically on their own.. she never learned to do that. I on the other hand have no patience and mine look as though a dog tried to eat the egg before I cut it up for a salad or deviled eggs. Now here and again I'll be in my kitchen and I'll grab the salt out of the cabinet to salt the water for pasta or I'll grab a seasoning out of the cabinet and as I reach to do so it's almost as she is sitting behind me directing me on which spice to grab, or telling me to turn the heat up or down, or telling me it's time to start the vegetables so they'll be done at the same time as the meat. The hardest time for me is being in the kitchen on days when I made hard boiled eggs.. for whatever reason it's something that has become very personal to me sometimes I'll even only do it when I know I can be alone so I can think about taking my time to make sure that those shells come off perfectly and I really get mad at myself when I try to hurry and they turn out all peckled.. ahh so the next time you have my infamous 7 layer salad or deviled eggs or see Easter eggs at my home you'll know that I took my time, blood, sweat, and tears, making those perfect.

Feeling EMPOWERED!!

Welll.... I made a very important decision for myself finally.. something that has been puttering in the back of my mind. Something that has been always on the surface, that I have made comments about.. mostly just to a few girlfriends and of course to my husband.. but it's done.. I've made the appointment, I'm doing it.. and now that I've made the decision to do it, I just can't wait to get it done and move on with my life. It's been a battle over the past months, something I've struggled with almost daily... something that has actually changed me physically, changed the way I work, the way I look at my husband.. it's effect has been almost like a deadly silent essense choking me at any chance it got... it's something I carry inside me, every day, every momment.. something nobody else can see and I am the only one aware it even exists... I have seen it once through my body like a plus sign clear as day right there for him to see.. but this one is new, one that has not yet been seen because unlike last time I am not in the same place I was then.... and hopefully before I have this taken care of there will be no proof it even ever exsisted, except the extra weight I carry with me forward towards my goal...

This has made such an impact in my life just making the decision that I've felt better than ever since hanging up the phone with my doctors office after making the appointment. It's like a new breath of life, I have something to look forward to. I've had so much more energy with my new attitude.. I went running at the gym and for the first time in my life I ran so hard that I was glistening from sweat. It was so great to see.. something that made me feel more alive than ever.. and again this morning.. I was up earlier than I have been in weeks. Jumped in the shower and decided TODAY was the day and rode my bike to work. It was empowering getting to work a full 15 minutes early before anyone else. I really thought it would take a full hour to get to work and instead only 40 minutes. It was great hearing all my co-workers comments throughtout the day, really tickled over that I actually rode my bike to work. Some joked that I didn't have enough money to pay for gas, but ha I love my bike, I love biking, I love feeling alive out there... even though my freaking mp3 player crapped out only a mile from work.. I didn't mind.. I had the most beautiful views on the way to work today.. the air was cool and crisp, and the wind glided over me.. I felt the world anew today.. even the smell of dew on the grass didn't escape me.. so funny how just this decision has turned me in a complete 180....